I have things I need to express. I do fear that no matter how I end up expressing them, my web-like array of thoughts will sound like the rantings of a crazy woman, but...here goes.

I am having trouble establishing any kind of consistency in my life. And I find myself feeling unable to go back to the way things were before I hit this wall. It wasn't even a wall really--more like a landslide that came down a little at a time, then just when I turned my head came crashing down in its entirety. 

I honestly feel alone in the musings of my mind much of the time. Like the more I try to explain it all, the crazier I will sound--and the more lost I will inevitably feel. I have had people close to me ask "what can I do?" out of concern...and "when will you [fill in the blank with an activity said loved one hopes I'll soon return to]?" out of a similar yet heightened level of concern. And I've even been told, "I miss the old you." I feel like I'm not available to the people I should be "there" for. And at the same time, I feel ashamed because I'm not truly being there for myself. 

I suppose it boils down to beliefs. Do I really believe I can move forward--that there is a new horizon out there? And if I do, how much of the old do I include in it? Apparently this is a common scenario women my age find themselves in. Emotional highs and lows, irrational thought, uncertainty about the future, dissatisfaction with life as we know it. It has been documented that the reason for this crisis is not hormone levels alone, but rather hormone levels combined with preexisting brain chemistry. Apparently 27 percent of all women who experienced PMS and 36 percent of all women who became depressed during those times of the month "will be very sensitive to the hormonal changes that occur at menopause" (The Wisdom of Menopause by Christiane Northrup, M.D.). Therefore, I didn't really have a chance of avoiding the struggle.

The problem is...the people close to us tend to take this life crisis personally. We end up feeling misunderstood, selfish, pathetic, out of balance, and even more unable to move forward from the spot we find ourselves in. It's like I've had so many do-overs that I can't fathom having to do another one. But I'm still not satisfied with where I am in life. And it seems likely that I never will be. 

Ever since I was a kid I've taken things pretty seriously and taken things to heart to the point that it has made me physically ill. It's a characteristic so ingrained that I don't know that it can be changed--or that it should. I have made progress over the years with learning to balance matters of the heart, but every once in a while one comes out of left field and knocks me off my feet. It seems that my form of empathy could be a healthy trait if channeled correctly. But I'm currently at a bit of a loss as to how to direct it. And at the same time, my feelings are a bit constrained. It's like when you feel like something is crawling on you, but when you look you can't find anything. I have thoughts, feelings, anxieties--but they are difficult to pinpoint in any measurable or addressable way. I instinctively know what needs to be done on several fronts--but I don't feel like I have the capacity or endurance to carry any of it out. 

I've started one new thing--and I think maybe I am trying to make it my saving grace, so to speak. To make me feel successful and fulfilled at something. But that's putting way too many eggs in one rather broken-down basket. It does give me a creative outlet--and it's a way to spend time with a friend doing something we both enjoy. It's not that the new thing isn't good; it's just that if I'm not careful it may also serve to keep me from finding the answers--and more importantly--the steps to those answers. 

It's like I've taken a one-way bus to a town that seems oddly familiar--but just disorienting enough that one can't navigate it properly. And so for me there's a sense that I don't belong--and probably won't. And that's a feeling I've had since I was a kid. It's just gotten more pronounced with this whole menopausal thing. Perhaps that's one reason I have been questioning the quality of pretty much all of my relationships. And beyond that wondering how I can maintain any of them. 

To feel so misunderstood and out-of-sorts is to be dangerously introspective. But it's a jumbled introspection at best. And it's not falling into place. It's much like dumping out a basket of laundry over and over and checking to see how many times a pair of socks ends up together. There may be a stroke of luck at some point, but it's not something one can rely on. 

The tools I've used in the past don't seem to be working. It's not as if I don't possess them--but as if they're lost in a disorganized garage somewhere. My prayer is that I can access those tools and find new, effective ways to use them...or find new tools.