My Relationship Has Fleas

A flea landed on my arm this morning, and it got me to thinking. Fleas are so annoying. They appear, as if out of nowhere—seemingly acrobatically flipping through the air—to land unexpectedly on an unsuspecting victim. Then they sink their teeth in. Unlike mosquitoes (who are much less subtle due to their size and prominent proboscises), fleas are harder to catch or squash. With ninja-like moves, they bite and flee (pardon the pun), leaving the bitten speechless and powerless. What just happened?

Relational annoyances are a lot like fleas. They hop around randomly and every once in a while…they hit the wrong spot at the wrong time. Someone’s been bitten—and he or she will sometimes react strongly. Even though it’s a seemingly small thing.

A “flea” in a relationship is:

o   A repeated pattern of behavior or speech, which could include:

§  Complaints or criticisms

§  Physical habits (such as nail-biting, rubbing one’s toes together, etc.)

§  Tone or volume of voice

§  Manipulative requests

§  Moods

§  Obliviousness in regard to another’s feelings

In the literal sense, once fleas gain access, the usual practice is…you have to “bomb” the house. This results in annihilation of the pesky fleas—a sterilization of the premises, if you will. But these bombs may only be set off when those who are not the targets are a safe distance from the blast zone—i.e., out of the house for several hours.

Sometimes in relationships, we forget that the other person is not our enemy and that we needn’t target them. We need to expose the fleas and decide together just what to do about them. That means being honest with our feelings—but owning them. After all, not every “flea” is one that will harm—we all have a choice in how we respond. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (I Peter 4:8).

But those fleas that are causing relational damage need to be identified and dealt with. Only through honest, respectful communication—with the goal of a healthy connection—can their power be eliminated.

Sometimes a spouse will do something that just grates on you. But you don’t say anything. You allow the flea to dig in until you are all “itchy” and miserable (usually irritated and/or angry). Eye-rolling, brow-furrowing, muscle-tightening, and teeth-grinding are all signs that there is a pretty large and potent flea present.

So what are you going to do? Remain silent? Or deal with the fleas at large? Often, “fleas” are simply symptoms of deeper issues that only true needs-oriented communication can uncover.

Don’t allow a flea to bring down your relationship. Find out how it got there. Maybe you’ll find that you let it in because of an attitude that’s never been dealt with. Perhaps the ability to deal with fleas has diminished because of a lack of wisdom in dealing with bigger stuff. “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11).

Wisdom dictates that in dealing with fleas, we don’t simply say, “Oh, we have a bunch of fleas hanging around; I wonder if they’ll multiply.” The wise thing to do is to get rid of them before they become a bigger issue. It’s the same in relationships.

Assess the situation (get it out in the open). Apply healing ointment (perhaps an apology) where needed. Don’t dwell on the “fleas” any longer (love keeps no record of wrongs). Don’t invite them back (through unforgiveness or negativity).

Remember that our struggle is not against “flesh and blood,” which is what the enemy uses “fleas” to get at. Instead, resist the devil and his influence upon your most treasured relationships, “and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).