Day Eleven: Living With Someone Who’s Depressed
Depressed people don’t want to be
asked ‘what’s wrong?’ Often, they can’t define it themselves. So if you live
with a depressed person, what can you, or should you, do?
1)
Pray—for wisdom (for yourself in how to interact
with and relate to the person) and that he or she would have peace—that God
would show him/her the way OUT of depression.
2)
Give them space. Don’t keep getting in his/her
face, so to speak, to try and determine what is wrong. It is okay to ask if
they know what the TRIGGER was, but I’d recommend waiting until they’re at
least somewhat communicative. The answer might be helpful information in
understanding how your friend/loved one reached this point—accept it as just
that, and don’t use it to try and formulate a “treatment plan.”
3)
Realize that ALL life is related to the present
in the mind of the depressed person—so the theory of getting their mind off
their circumstances by talking about the past—or the future—is not valid.
4)
Don’t say ‘oh, don’t be sad.’ Validate their
feelings: ‘I know you’re feeling depressed. I’m here for you. Let me know if
there’s anything I can do.’ Then walk away, giving them their space. Chances
are, the only thing they might want is a snack of some sort, but at least
you’ve given the option.
5)
Ask if you can do chores or tasks that the
depressed person might normally do—for example, the dishes. This is
tricky—because he or she may feel WORSE about being currently incapable of
tackling the task. But there is also a chance that having someone help lift
their load in a tangible way may improve their mood.
6)
While giving them space, check in on them
periodically—let them know you’re just checking on them. Don’t say ‘How are you
feeling?’ or ‘Are you still depressed?’ Ask if they need anything. Not checking
at ALL reinforces the common belief the depressed person has that people don’t
care.
7)
Don’t get frustrated with them for being
depressed. This is a tough one. Unconditional love is needed, so it’s important
that no guilt-tripping take place. For example, ‘If you weren’t so depressed,
we could go to the park’ says ‘I’m not having fun because YOU are depressed.’
8)
It’s true—it is NOT fun dealing with someone
who’s depressed; this is something the depressed person KNOWS but at the moment
feels powerless to do anything about. Live your life anyway, but let them know
you care by letting them know what you’re doing and when you’ll be back. For
example: ‘I’m running to the store—I’ll be back in about a half-hour’; ‘I’ll be
in the family room watching a movie if you need me’; ‘I’m going outside to mow
the lawn—I’ll be done in twenty minutes or so.’ This communicates that you WANT
to be available and near, and it provides a certain comfort to the depressed
person.
9)
Speak the truth—but not in a corrective way. If
he or she says something self-deprecating like “I’m a terrible person,” instead
of saying ‘No, you’re not,’ just say what you know to ACTUALLY be true, such as
‘You’re one of the most caring people I know, and I’m thankful to be your
friend/spouse/roommate.’ They may try and argue, but they may just begin to
“chew on” what you’ve said. The truth can sometimes go to the heart of a matter
quicker than trying to “reason them out of it” can. Don’t go back and forth
with them. If they disagree, you can always say that you stand by what you’ve
said and leave it at that.
10)
Don’t take it personally that someone you care
about is depressed. He or she is not trying to make your life miserable. In
fact, he or she may come and apologize later on—after getting out of the
depression cycle. And part of not taking it personally is not suggesting
solutions or antidotes—that makes it seem that you’re trying to FIX the person
so that YOUR life is easier.
The reality is that chronic
depression affects a whole lot more people than just the person who’s depressed.
But no one can force the person to just “bounce” out of it. If children are in
the picture, they DO need to be protected from the emotional effects. Don’t
tell them ‘Mommy/Daddy doesn’t want to be with you right now.’ Instead, you can
say—in all honesty—that Mommy/Daddy isn’t feeling well and needs to rest.
Though being depressed isn’t very RESTFUL, he or she does need “rest” in the
sense of having a momentary separation from pressing responsibilities.
11)
Talk about the depression cycle with the person
when he or she is OUT of the cycle, not during it. Try and devise some tips and
strategies together that will be beneficial to everyone involved.
12)
During the cycle, set boundaries for your own
health and well-being. For example, make it clear that you won’t engage in
conversation if he or she is being negative or rude toward YOU. Don’t get
pulled into some type of argument or battle.
13)
Never give up on someone who deals with
depression.
Coming out of a lifelong pattern of depression isn’t easy. And it will
look different for each person. God DOES have a “hope and a future” for you
(Jeremiah 29:11)—which is the OPPOSITE of what depression has to offer. If YOU
are the person who keeps going through that cycle, ask the Lord, in His great
mercy, to show you the way out—to illuminate that path for you. Perhaps there
is ONE change you can make, ONE activity you can add to your life that will put
you in a better place. Start doing it when you’re NOT depressed because chances
are—when you’re depressed, you won’t be able to find the motivation to.
There are people who love you—and God loves you the most. He WANTS you
set free. Don’t be afraid to look at answers you may not have considered
before—everyone’s journey is different. You CAN have an abundant life. Take
hold of that hope today—and let the Holy Spirit be your guide. He really does
know what He’s doing.
Day Twelve: Anxiety at Every Turn—Turn Your Heart Toward
Him
Today I want to list—and briefly
discuss—some things that can bring on anxiety:
·
Decision-making—often we question our own
decisions, or the decision-making process itself.
·
Having to “manufacture,” i.e., come up with, a
meal for one’s family/being hungry but not having an immediate or viable
solution. When we are already dealing with underlying symptoms of anxiety,
having to think about food preparation—or finding food (since anxiety can lead
to a lack of forethought) while out doing errands, etc.
·
Lots of dirty dishes (that one’s pretty
self-explanatory, I think).
·
A full schedule/schedule changes—adding new things
to one’s routine can become quickly cumbersome in the anxiety department; an
anxious person often does not want to disappoint others and takes on more than
he or she should—or he or she takes it on when NOT in an anxiety cycle, then
when things get tough with the commitment, anxiety that’s been dormant or
“under control” rises to the surface. Subsequently, as the realization sets in
that one has “bitten off more than he/she can chew,” there is an additional
dose of anxiety over not being able to back out.
·
Menstrual cycle (it’s a fact of life for those
of us who are women—and often leads to excessive amounts of stress).
·
The needs/demands of a new baby (those of us
who’ve experienced post-partum depression know the feelings of anxiety that
tend to come alongside as well—after the initial “honeymoon period”).
·
Deadlines approaching—it’s not bad for us to
HAVE a deadline; it’s that as that time draws nearer and nearer, we think more
and more about what needs to be done—and we panic internally.
·
Trying to lose weight - Anyone who’s struggled
with their weight knows it can be frustrating and stressful—and for those who
veer toward anxiety, it’s compounded by intense thoughts/feelings of ‘Yikes,
what if I can’t reach my goal?,’ ‘Oh no, I ate THAT!;’ ‘This could take
FOREVER,’ etc., and the corresponding moments of panic these thoughts can lead
to if we’re not careful. Self-care during this process is extremely important
but often neglected as more and more anxiety creeps in—and sometimes…takes
over.
·
When others see you when you’re NOT at your best
and/or when they make assumptions about you.
·
Others’ expectations.
·
When people close to you are irritable/in a
hurry/tend to complain (this can be true even over simple things).
·
Riding with an aggressive (or impulsive) driver.
·
Being rushed.
·
High-peril TV shows/movies (certain types may
even lead to a lack of sleep, depending on the individual’s sensitivities).
·
Going to church – This one was a struggle for me
for YEARS. Dealing with depression and anxiety, I did not want to have to
“deal” with people and the unspoken expectation of being a
“full-of-joy-and-peace” Christian. It made me all jittery inside. And the enemy
made sure to bring those anxious thoughts my way.
·
Animal care (this can be unpredictable and/or
tedious at times—and therefore, anxiety-producing).
·
Moments when children are whiny or headstrong.
So basically…ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in life has the potential to cause
anxiety. And when one is PRONE to anxiety, it often doesn’t take MUCH to feel
pushed “over the edge” of what can be reasonably handled. But let me remind you
here that when all odds are against you, YOU must be “odd” enough to find a way
out. Remember—you are UNCOMMON. YOU can find tools that will either just work
for you or may work for many others too—but the fact is, no one else has
thought of them. I didn’t realize for a long time that I possessed this
potential—and that I could be CREATIVE in leading myself out of anxiety.
To quote a famous line from Dr. Malcolm in Jurassic Park, “Life will find
a way.” That may sound trite—but it’s really true. A desire to truly LIVE—and
not be continually in a state of overwhelmed-ness—will eventually result in
LIFE if one’s actions can match up with, or support, one’s desires. This can
only be accomplished as we turn our hearts toward God. The Bible says in
Proverbs 23:7, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so
is he". In another translation, it reads “…so does he become.” The
way in which we think, i.e., process information, translates to the way in
which we live our lives from the HEART—in a defeated manner or a victorious
one. But if we can begin to dispel the anxious thoughts ONE BY ONE, we begin to
see that we actually ARE surviving, and eventually….THRIVING.
Ask the Holy Spirit, “Holy Spirit, what do you have for
me in place of my anxiety over such-and-such?” Take the time to let the peace
of God come into the midst of a normally (or what WE have learned is “normal”)
anxious situation. Ask Him to renew your mind so that you don’t BECOME one
whose heart is always flustered and traumatized. That is NO WAY to live! I know
from experience. Being conscious of WHEN and WHY we are having anxiety is a
start. But you can’t do it alone.
When your heart is
overwhelmed, turn it toward Jesus, your ROCK. He is solid, steadfast,
dependable—He will not be moved by circumstances, and there is NO FEAR in Him.
And WE, as believers, are IN HIM. Let that picture of being “in Jesus” invade
your thoughts today. Take John 15:7 to heart—“If you remain in me and my
words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” Do
you honestly WISH for a life of…LIFE? That’s what He came to give. Listen to
His words and let His Spirit instruct you in the ways of victory. When your
mind is racing a million miles a minute, STOP (your anxious frenzy), LOOK (to
the Lord—and His great love for you), and LISTEN (to what the Spirit has to say
about your situation—it’s probably WAY different than the anxious thoughts the
enemy wants you to keep FEEDING on, which are starving your very soul because
THEY don’t possess the nutrients you need to THRIVE). Declare today, “I will be
anxious for NOTHING.” Perhaps that feels FAR from the truth right now, but let
it become your “faith in action” prayer. Victory—and with it, peace and
joy—awaits.
Day Thirteen: Sleep
When you suffer from anxiety or depression (let’s face it—it’s usually
some of BOTH), sleep patterns are heavily affected. You may worry, so you can’t
GET to sleep, and the depression causes you to sleep TOO much—so if you don’t
have a regular job outside of the house, when you finally do get up you begin
to feel anxious for all the time that has passed and all you have not
accomplished; but due to the depression and anxiety, you can’t BEGIN to figure
out how to accomplish anything. So MORE anxiety and depression sets in.
If you have a job outside of the house, chronic anxiety can make getting
enough sleep very difficult.
We all know that getting a proper amount of sleep is vital to our
health—but when you struggle with anxiety and depression, sleep is not always a
restful proposition. And getting the correct amount is near impossible.
To emphasize the importance of sleep, here is a quote from the Take Shape
for Life “Meltdown Challenge” I’m currently a part of: “Sleep deprivation, a
form of psychological torture, is often considered worse than going without
food or water. It rapidly erodes emotions and self-confidence, resulting in
erratic behavior. If you’re sleepy, you probably aren’t sleeping enough, or
sleeping well enough- in other words, like most things, it comes down to your
habits!”
Okay, so when we’re depressed or anxious, we form destructive habits. But
it seems like the only WAY—in a sense, it seems “right” to us because it’s all
we’ve known. “Sometimes what seems right is really a road to
death” (Prov. 16:25, CEV). In most translations, “death” is used, but
“destruction” is also a synonym.
So, we’re destroying ourselves with our sleep habits.
What do we do about it?
One thing that has truly helped me greatly is exercise.
When you’re depressed or anxious, you don’t FEEL like exercising. I’m still not
in a CONSISTENT pattern, but I’m working on it. I’ve found that I enjoy
running—though I know that’s not for everybody. Even doing a few sit-ups before
bed can help boost the endorphins (your body’s natural stress-reducers) and
calm the nerves. Or…do them before getting up—or do some leg raises. Something
that will activate endorphins, sending the right messages to your brain.
But exercise isn’t
the only way to release endorphins. Seeking out daily laughter, listening to
music, or even eating certain foods can do the same thing. For example, eating
hot peppers or a bit of dark chocolate will activate endorphins. Eating
carb-rich comfort foods will release them as well. A wikiHow article, “How to
Release Endorphins,” suggests, “You can enjoy comfort food without going
off your diet. Try a bowl of old-fashioned oatmeal with a little honey and milk
stirred in, or a plate of red beans and rice. You'll benefit from the
carbohydrates without suffering from the consequences of eating refined
carbohydrates.” Also, if you sniff vanilla or lavender, it can lift your mood
by releasing the production of endorphins.
Aside from endorphins, taking a hot, refreshing shower or taking several
deep breaths can have a calming effect on your system. Or you could try taking
melatonin, a natural hormone that helps regulate sleep. I haven’t personally
taken it, but my two teenage children do—and it has helped them.
I have loved the smell of Vick’s since I was a kid. Though it’s not
TECHNICALLY linked to endorphin production, experts say that its
tingling, numbing sensation can be likened to the endorphin rush spice lovers get from eating hot
peppers. I find that inhaling a couple times from my Vick’s container before
bed calms me. Menthol addiction? Not sure—but it helps me sleep. Finding some
sort of “ritual” like that, which is calming, can definitely aid in the process
of sleep.
Though I don’t sleep with an animal on my bed, I will
acknowledge that pets can certainly serve as a source of comfort for those with
depression or anxiety.
Writing down things that you are anxious about or that
“need to be done” can also help relieve some stress because, in a sense, it
gets those things “out of your head.” And of course, there is nothing wrong
with falling asleep praying. Philippians 4:6 instructs us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer
and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Thank Him for
EVERYTHING good you can think of, and tell Him what your concerns are—what
you’d like to see be different. Ask Him to help you be calm as a parent, in
your job, etc. The key then is to believe that He will answer.
Determine to encourage those you can who struggle in
these emotional areas. Hebrews 3:13, NIV, says “But encourage one
another daily, as long as it is called "Today," so that none of you
may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.” I believe that WORRY is rooted in sin.
But that does not mean that we are sinning because we struggle with it. I do
believe that the willful HABIT of worry CAN be sin though. There is a fine
line. God WANTS us to trust Him, but we need HIS strength and HIS perspective
in order to do that in all areas. The bottom line is—we DON’T want to be
deceived. And I would offer that the continual, sleep-depriving cycles of worry
and depression are deceptions that constantly tell us we CANNOT have the life
we want.
I’m still learning to take one day at a time. In fact, I tell myself that
often. No, it’s not always good to “put things on the shelf,” but it CAN be
useful if it keeps one from losing sleep. “Therefore do not worry about
tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of
its own” (Matthew 6:34). It’s really true—those things will still be there when
we wake up. We don’t change ANYTHING by worrying. But it has taken me years to
begin to “get” this. Ask the Lord today to help you to internalize that truth,
and ask Him to show you the right coping mechanisms (actions) to enable you to
get the sleep your body needs. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with
having coping mechanisms, so long as they’re not destructive. Allow others to
speak into your life, and be willing to try new suggestions—or even old ones.
You really don’t KNOW if they’ll work or not until you try.
When we don’t get enough sleep, we
get moody and irritable. (Likewise, when we are lethargic an unproductive
because of depression, that lack of activity will perpetuate itself and cause
us to be morose and have ineffectual interactions with people—IF we interact at
all.) I believe that getting the right amount of sleep is actually a way of
guarding our hearts, so that what comes OUT of us IS a “wellspring of life,”
not destruction—toward ourselves and others. Proverbs 3, the same chapter that
tells us to trust in the Lord with all our hearts and not to lean on our own
understanding, says in verse 21 that we need to hang onto wisdom,
understanding, sound judgment, and discretion. Trust the Lord to give you
understanding about YOU—and in so doing, provide you with better sleep. As you
trust Him for this, He promises, “When you lie down, you will
not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet” (vs. 24). Sweet
dreams, beloved—that is my prayer for you today.
Day Fourteen: Panic Attacks
It’s one thing to feel afraid and know why—it’s another
to feel afraid and NOT know why. Often, this is the case with a panic attack.
It’s an “attack” in that it comes out of the blue and doesn’t give the object
of the attack time to prepare for it—it just HAPPENS.
In the midst of sheer panic, it’s hard to believe you’re
not in danger—but that’s the way OUT of a panic attack—recognizing that this is
just an attack, not based in some horrible reality.
The times in I’ve had what seemed to be a panic attack,
the symptoms were fairly short-lived. They began with a sudden sensation of my
heart leaping in my chest—definite fear. My breathing was affected, though I
don’t think I was technically hyperventilating. It is likely that what I
experienced were actually bouts of extreme anxiety; though there was a panicky
FEELING, I didn’t meet the criteria for a full-on panic attack.
However, I do remember in the midst of ONE of those
times, praying—for God’s help and protection. When one is under ATTACK, it is
hard to think about praying. But since the logic center of the brain is still
intact, I would encourage those who experience panic attacks to go one step
further than experts suggest—they say you must believe you are not in danger.
Basically, you have to TELL YOURSELF the truth—my addition to that would be to
memorize GOD’S truth—so that when you’re in that dangerous-feeling situation,
you can rehearse scriptures in your mind that cause your faith to rise—thus
dispelling the attack that has come against you. For example, TELL yourself
Psalm 121:7, “The LORD will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over
your life;’ or Psalm 18:2, “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my
salvation, my stronghold.” Like with anxiety and depression, if you can
recognize what’s really happening, you can take steps out of it—and get to the
place of peace and calm.
There is much that is known about
panic attacks. I encourage you to go to the following link and read the help
guide. Even if YOU don’t experience panic attacks, it can help you to
understand what it’s like for those who do. And if you suffer from panic
attacks, you may learn something that can help you in the future.
Feel
free to share any wisdom you may have on panic attacks from personal
experience. I’m sure others will benefit.
Grace and peace to you all.
Day 15: Abiding in the One Who KNOWS
What is abiding? It’s being continually aware of God’s
presence—living out your day-to-day life within the crook of his arm. It’s
knowing that He’s right beside you, in front of you, behind you—because you can
SENSE Him, feel Him, experience Him. Jesus tells us in John 15:4, “Remain in me, as I also remain in you.” Basically we are to “stay
connected” to Him—the vine.
So many things in this life work overtime to break that
connection. And of course, that’s the devil’s goal—to keep us from intimacy
with God. Depression and Anxiety tell us that we will never be free—that this
is just our “lot in life.” These illnesses are also mindsets—and they’re also
spirits—and they’re also THIEVES. They rob us of joy, purpose, hope,
destiny—and so many other things God has for us.
“The
thief comes only to steal
and kill and destroy; I have come that they
may have life, and have it to the
full.” When we think of that well-known verse (John 10:10), we
tend to think of an arbitrary or stereotypical “thief,” someone in dark clothing
sneaking around in the dead of night. But if we can begin to see Anxiety
and Depression as thieves, perhaps it will give us new insight into that verse.
Jesus came to give us a FULL LIFE. What does “full” mean? It means “completely filled; containing all that can be held; filled to utmost capacity.” Does
that sound like the life lived in submission to Anxiety and Depression?
The key to “life to the full” is found in God’s
presence. Believe me—I get it; it’s easier said than done. When we’re chronically
depressed, we don’t just see the glass as half-empty—the glass is BROKEN! Or we
don’t even HAVE a glass! And in the throes of anxiety, we can’t FOCUS on the
present glass because we’re still fretting over the last time the glass was
half-empty. And we’re AFRAID of what tomorrow’s glass may hold…or NOT hold.
But if we can step outside our circumstances
for just a MOMENT, God wants to give us a brand new, FULL glass. We don’t have
to keep living the same patterns over and over. But the only way to change it
is to add a fresh design. Jesus is the keeper of that design. And He wants to
keep adding to it and embellishing it until there is no more room for the old
pattern.
Begin to thank Him. Begin to praise Him. You
may FEEL like you have nothing to thank Him for—but just begin, even if your
heart’s not in it at first. Thank Him for salvation, protection, a home, food,
clothing, family, friends, creation. Thank Him that He hears the cry of your
heart, EVEN when you’re too weak to utter it. He KNOWS.
Let this song by Jeremy Camp minister to your
heart today—and cause you to lift your face to heaven—to the one who wants to
dry every tear and just be NEAR you. Abide with Him in this moment. And may you
have many, many more.
No comments:
Post a Comment