Where the Heck Am I?: My Life-long Struggle With Driving Directions

I have long believed that I possess some form of learning disability in regard to compass directions—and lack of memory of geographical locations in relation to other locations—sometimes it’s so bad I can’t even recall a general direction for a long period of time. And even then…it’s not necessarily permanent.

I have, on more occasions than I can count, gotten turned around—even lost for hours amidst feelings of panic and frustration (and sometimes tears). 

It’s easy, like many with a recognized learning disability, for me to feel “stupid” and want to smack myself in the head because “I—JUST—DON’T—GET—IT.” Over the years, I’ve learned to find tools to help compensate for my disability.

It’s made even more frustrating by the fact that others don’t understand how it could possibly be so difficult for me. And the thought of—or the attempt at--explaining it makes me feel even more inept, embarrassed, sad, misrepresented…and probably dozens of other adjectives.

I experience trying to recall going somewhere new, and then trying to remember the way later, something like this:

First Time: Wow, I made it! Remember—turn on <insert name of street>, next to <insert name of anything familiar or that COULD be memorable>.

Second Time: Oh, yeah, THAT’S how I got here last time.

Third Time: Dang, I was going to remember at least PART of the way to get there.

Fourth Time: I have no recall of how to get there. Any frame of reference to begin seems to be totally gone.

Fifth Time: I’ve been there FOUR times. If I ask for help, I’m going to look stupid. I will need the address so I can at least use GPS.

Sixth Time: Thank God for GPS. I made it!

Seventh Time: (still using GPS—because I can’t trust myself) Oh yeah, I remember that street. Just couldn’t have told you where it came up in the ORDER of streets.

Eighth Time: As I’m driving, I can ALMOST recall the turns—almost; but I’m keeping my GPS on—I can’t totally trust myself to remember the way.

Ninth Time: (with GPS off) Dang, I think I made a wrong turn. How can that even happen after EIGHT times?!

Tenth Time: (en route) Okay, I’m gonna get it this time (but still not feeling 100% confident—having made so many mistakes that I always second-guess myself).

I may or may not remember—even after the tenth time. It all depends on how my brain is recalling that type of information on that particular day. Sometimes it really feels like there is a literal block inside my brain that keeps me “lost.” I guess one could call it a “roadblock.”

Yes, I maintain some humor in the face of it all. I’ve even told people that I can’t find my way out of a paper bag. To give myself proper credit, I have made improvements over the years. But I still don’t experience going places in terms of a map or layout of an area—except rarely. Every once in a while, something will “connect” in my brain, and I’ll know that such-and-such street, building, etc. is in that direction. But do I ever know for sure? I invariably experience at least some level of “I-could-be-wrong.” 

My problem is worse at night, when I’m stressed, or when I’m in a hurry. So I try not to put myself into those situations unnecessarily. Learning new ways to get to places that I know one trusty way to is also a formidable challenge. I find that the more often I take a route, the more ingrained it becomes. But I have to take that route quite often if it’s ever going to become a part of my long-term, spatial memory.

I can estimate travel time really well. And I can tell just by looking at a meal portion what container it will fit best in. I can usually also tell if a particular piece of furniture will fit in a certain spot, accounting also for other pieces of furniture. But I cannot seem to get my brain to “map” when I need to get somewhere.

This deficiency used to make me afraid to travel far from home if I was the driver. But over time, I’ve come to accept my limitations and use the resources at my disposal. I have chosen not to let it intimidate or stop me.

As long as I can remember how to get to the most important places, I feel like I’m doing alright. My directional challenge doesn’t define me. And I know I excel in many other areas. It’s important for all of us to remember that we are not defined by what we don’t do well, nor by what we do well. But we define our own lives by what we do with those circumstances.