I wanted to at least try to articulate (or in this case, postulate) regarding the odd funk I've been in of late, partly for the benefit of others but largely for my own benefit. It hasn't felt like at other times--when the depression I felt was so thick you could cut it with a knife. And it hasn't been a constant wind of anxiety either. In fact, I would describe it more as a disorienting nervousness. It's been weird and disconcerting and has left me searching, as Michael W. Smith sings, "for that missing person." It's like - I knew who I was; I had purpose and vision--but right now it feels like I was just playing a role and am waiting for a new script. But I need God's truth (revelation) as to what that is. It's a time of transition--but to what? I am trusting Him to show me.
So that's sort of the "what" has happened. But why did it happen? I posit that there are several reasons. You can be sure that I have pondered, and re-pondered, and analyzed, and ruminated as to the causes. One thing I've identified is a lack of resolution--about several things: the untimely death of a friend from church, Oregon's prolonged milieu of COVID compliance requirements; some ongoing family stresses. I've learned that resolution is a big thing for me. For example, if there's a shelf that needs to be hung, the only resolution for that issue is to hang it! And until that happens, the issue remains very present in my mind under the heading "Unresolved." It helps to have the little things resolved because then that area of my mind doesn't get as overloaded--there can be temporary relief...until the next thing comes to my attention, which--if unresolved--threatens to make the whole load exceed capacity. There is likely some OCD involved in the mix.
After COVID changed everything about the job I was doing with the school district, I became more and more convinced that it was time to make my exit. After doing so though, I felt pressure--from within and without--to secure some income. An opportunity came up, and with some hesitation, I accepted it. Though I was repeatedly told I was "doing great," I was definitely not doing great on the inside. There were too many variables and never enough time for me to truly feel like I had a handle on the pins I was juggling. Therefore, I couldn't meet even my own expectations. And the stress load continued to build. And it began to affect my physical health as well. Until I had to step away.
Back in March, I started on a new medication for depression/anxiety. As of October, my dosage has been updated--but my system has not struck a balance with it yet. In the meantime, I haven't wanted to leave the house much and have avoided most interpersonal interaction. There is so much going on in my mind and body that the tracking, responding, and investment required for interaction seems rather daunting--especially with certain people, whom I would categorize as more "intense."
I feel like I'm running on an unreliable battery--you never know when it will need to be recharged. And when it gives out, there's a period of waiting for that life-doing energy to return. I can't not think; therefore, anything and everything has the potential to get added to the stack of unresolved concerns (who am I kidding? It's not a stack; that would be too neat and tidy--more like a box of papers that just lost its bottom, scattering the papers everywhere just as a heavy wind came up).
No, we can't base everything on our feelings. They are unreliable at best. But it's also difficult to escape them--especially when they seem so ingrained in the body. Which is a big part of what feels different this time around. It's different enough, in fact, that a wonderful friend who's already taken the journey of menopause, pointed some things out that I may wish to consider. In short, I am experiencing many of the manifestations of peri-menopause. My body is likely on the cusp of Hormonal Crazy-town, otherwise known as Menopause. And yes, I've been having occasional hot flashes for some time now.
Interesting that I would find this book today sorting through a bin, almost like it was placed there for me.
I had to chuckle at the subtitle, as my mom always referred to menopause as "the change of life." I think I'm beginning to understand what she meant. Life doesn't feel remotely the same to me right now, and I do believe bodily changes to be one of the culprits. Something I need to follow up with my doctor on, of course; but I also want to give my medication a chance to do its job so that the map that is drawn of my overall health is an accurate one.
When the title of this blog post came to me, I was thinking "I am trying to sort myself out,", i.e., figure out how things are related and how to unravel the tangled mess. It occurred to me that this may be where the term "out of sorts" comes from--an inability to sort things out. I have most definitely felt out of sorts recently.
I have a hard time processing my emotions. Therefore, I internalize a lot and in some ways had become desensitized. That's the reason I asked for a medication change back in March, from the one I had been on for years. I felt it deadened my emotions too much. But when I tried going off it prior to that, I experienced a short boost in positive emotions--almost manic, I'd say--followed by a big, depressive, thud. I thought maybe something else could provide better balance. That remains to be seen--but I'm hopeful.
I'm trying not to worry about what other people think (even though I do). I'm trying not to offer to help people with their troubles or needs (even though I want to). I'm trying to teach myself what it means to relax (I am a slow learner with that one). I'm trying not to get down on myself about falling short in the area I've preached so much freedom about--but hoping that my reality may serve to help someone else face theirs. I'm trying to learn to be rather than do. And it's hard.
More than one person has suggested that sometimes you need to pull out of everything in order to see what God has put in front of you for now. What is He saying right now?
One thing I've sensed Him speaking over me is Peace. I recognize that I have His peace inside me, even when circumstances aren't peaceful. And I am practicing grabbing hold of that peace. I want it all to be well with my soul (my mind, will, emotions)--the heart of me. I feel like a box marked "Fragile" that has been dropped, biffed around, and tipped over so that the contents inside are broken. But unless someone opens the box, everything appears to be fine. I know that God knows me at my core. I need for Him to teach me some of what He knows.
I know I will make it. I know I will be okay. I know that God will use this time in my life for good.
Another thing Jesus has been reminding me of is why He had to die. There are fifty reasons presented in the book I'm currently reading. But of course, it all boils down to the most important motivator of all--His love for me.
I believe in His resurrection power. I believe there are better days ahead. God and I will get it sorted out.
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