Jesus is My "Wonderful Life"

‘Tis the season to be inundated with traditional Christmas-y phrases and iconic movie and song titles, such as “Merry Christmas,” “It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” “Joy to the World,” and “It’s a Wonderful Life.” So many years I’ve been a Grinch on the inside at Christmastime—telling myself things like “It’s the most horrible time of the year” and “It’s a depressing life”—or at my worst, even “It’s pointless to try and enjoy it.”

For me, Christmas represented disappointment. Oh, I tried to keep my focus on Jesus, but I was never successful at keeping the negative messages from playing over and over in my head and heart. As a giver, I wanted so much to give great gifts to people—ideally…to everyone! But I never could. And I hated it. And so I began to focus on the lack, the unfulfilled desires, the repeatedly dashed hopes. The depression and anxiety that had been present to some degree all through the year was only magnified during this season. Even though I knew there were many less fortunate, I couldn’t help feeling that by now I had “paid my dues” and should be able to have “a Christmas to remember.”

There were a couple years that we were actually able to be very giving—admittedly, we lavished most of it on our kids—but it didn’t seem to have quite the effect on me that I would have expected. I didn’t realize at first that it was because my poverty mentality had crossed over into one of entitlement. ‘Why shouldn’t we have what others have? It’s just not fair? It sucks.’

Whenever we were the recipients of some type of charity—which happened multiple times—I was certainly thankful. But there was something driving me. Not only did I feel I should be entitled to the privilege of buying good gifts—I felt that I was never able to purchase enough. It was never satisfying enough. There would always be something I should have or maybe even could have bought for someone. And so even in the midst of great giving, there was always a nagging guilt.

Well, as you can imagine, the enemy had a heyday with me. I felt the deep-down anger that my family struggled so much—and that when we did have money, we still had to be conservative because there were bills begging to be paid. Resentment really. And there was the contrasting guilt at not being able to “do better” by everyone. So the message I received was ‘You’re never going to be happy. Christmas is always going to feel “less than.” You will never get to have the kind of Christmas you want.’ Or at least what I thought I wanted.

There was a balance that needed to be struck between giving and receiving. I hadn’t truly received—in the depths of my spirit—the message of Christmas, and therefore I was perpetually unhappy. I couldn’t wait for Christmas to be over. I knew it all in my head—that Jesus was God’s gift to us and the reason that we could celebrate anything; that God had given me a family to love and cherish—they were the blessing of this time of year—not the number of gifts under the tree. I’d seen the episode on Little House on the Prairie in which Mr. Edwards had trudged through the snow for miles to bring the Ingalls children very simple gifts—and they were ecstatic! How could I be so ungrateful?

Because I had not learned to live each day in a posture of contentment and relying fully on Jesus. I had taken ownership of this negative mindset and, as a result, was actually feeding my soul garbage—I was nourishing depression rather than fostering joy. It was a miserable trap—but one I seemed to fall into year after year. Instead of celebrating the birth of my Savior wholeheartedly, I had taken on the attitude of a victim. And the true heart of Christmas seemed lost, or muted at best.

Then came a situation several months ago that my husband and I clearly could do nothing about…but rely on our Heavenly Father. The course of our lives could have changed drastically. Both physically and mentally, we stopped struggling—and purposefully put all our hope in Him.

God came through so miraculously—it was humbling and breathtaking. And it did something in my heart. I felt His love tangibly—through the hands of others, who had chosen to bless us. It made me so  grateful to be His child—and the Lord used it to change my perspective about life on multiple fronts.

I am confident that the Lord knows my heart; He knows my desires—He knows the hearts of my loved ones too; and He knows what’s best. Yes, I still like presents—and I still desire to give them. But I have a peace inside that tells me it’s all going to be okay no matter what. I’m thankful that His love has been so patient with me.

Before, there had always been a lack of peace—and a pressure to live up to some arbitrary perceived expectation. What I now realize is that “godliness with contentment is great gain” (I Tim.6:6). I had been robbing myself of His blessings because my heart was not content. Godliness is not measured in the abundance of wealth or possessions; on the contrary, it is a reflection of what’s in a person’s heart—how well he or she knows Jesus. If we know Him, we know we can trust Him—and that brings contentment.

I still don’t get into some of the more tedious Christmas traditions—like cookie-decorating, Advent calendars, and mistletoe. But this year I feel there is an emergence in my heart of God’s overflowing love—of wanting to devote my time to His purposes for me in this season, and give all the glory back to Him. To let His joy strengthen my resolve to worship Him—and truly celebrate what a wonderful life He has given me. 

His name is wonderful, His name is wonderful,
His name is wonderful, Jesus my Lord.
He is the mighty King, master of everything,
His name is wonderful, Jesus my Lord.
He's the Great Shepherd, The Rock of all ages,
Almighty God is he,
Bow down before Him, Love and adore Him,
His name is wonderful, Jesus my Lord. (Isaiah 9:6)