I have things I need to express. I do fear that no matter how I end up expressing them, my web-like array of thoughts will sound like the rantings of a crazy woman, but...here goes.

I am having trouble establishing any kind of consistency in my life. And I find myself feeling unable to go back to the way things were before I hit this wall. It wasn't even a wall really--more like a landslide that came down a little at a time, then just when I turned my head came crashing down in its entirety. 

I honestly feel alone in the musings of my mind much of the time. Like the more I try to explain it all, the crazier I will sound--and the more lost I will inevitably feel. I have had people close to me ask "what can I do?" out of concern...and "when will you [fill in the blank with an activity said loved one hopes I'll soon return to]?" out of a similar yet heightened level of concern. And I've even been told, "I miss the old you." I feel like I'm not available to the people I should be "there" for. And at the same time, I feel ashamed because I'm not truly being there for myself. 

I suppose it boils down to beliefs. Do I really believe I can move forward--that there is a new horizon out there? And if I do, how much of the old do I include in it? Apparently this is a common scenario women my age find themselves in. Emotional highs and lows, irrational thought, uncertainty about the future, dissatisfaction with life as we know it. It has been documented that the reason for this crisis is not hormone levels alone, but rather hormone levels combined with preexisting brain chemistry. Apparently 27 percent of all women who experienced PMS and 36 percent of all women who became depressed during those times of the month "will be very sensitive to the hormonal changes that occur at menopause" (The Wisdom of Menopause by Christiane Northrup, M.D.). Therefore, I didn't really have a chance of avoiding the struggle.

The problem is...the people close to us tend to take this life crisis personally. We end up feeling misunderstood, selfish, pathetic, out of balance, and even more unable to move forward from the spot we find ourselves in. It's like I've had so many do-overs that I can't fathom having to do another one. But I'm still not satisfied with where I am in life. And it seems likely that I never will be. 

Ever since I was a kid I've taken things pretty seriously and taken things to heart to the point that it has made me physically ill. It's a characteristic so ingrained that I don't know that it can be changed--or that it should. I have made progress over the years with learning to balance matters of the heart, but every once in a while one comes out of left field and knocks me off my feet. It seems that my form of empathy could be a healthy trait if channeled correctly. But I'm currently at a bit of a loss as to how to direct it. And at the same time, my feelings are a bit constrained. It's like when you feel like something is crawling on you, but when you look you can't find anything. I have thoughts, feelings, anxieties--but they are difficult to pinpoint in any measurable or addressable way. I instinctively know what needs to be done on several fronts--but I don't feel like I have the capacity or endurance to carry any of it out. 

I've started one new thing--and I think maybe I am trying to make it my saving grace, so to speak. To make me feel successful and fulfilled at something. But that's putting way too many eggs in one rather broken-down basket. It does give me a creative outlet--and it's a way to spend time with a friend doing something we both enjoy. It's not that the new thing isn't good; it's just that if I'm not careful it may also serve to keep me from finding the answers--and more importantly--the steps to those answers. 

It's like I've taken a one-way bus to a town that seems oddly familiar--but just disorienting enough that one can't navigate it properly. And so for me there's a sense that I don't belong--and probably won't. And that's a feeling I've had since I was a kid. It's just gotten more pronounced with this whole menopausal thing. Perhaps that's one reason I have been questioning the quality of pretty much all of my relationships. And beyond that wondering how I can maintain any of them. 

To feel so misunderstood and out-of-sorts is to be dangerously introspective. But it's a jumbled introspection at best. And it's not falling into place. It's much like dumping out a basket of laundry over and over and checking to see how many times a pair of socks ends up together. There may be a stroke of luck at some point, but it's not something one can rely on. 

The tools I've used in the past don't seem to be working. It's not as if I don't possess them--but as if they're lost in a disorganized garage somewhere. My prayer is that I can access those tools and find new, effective ways to use them...or find new tools.

Hope in His Hands

 

Looking back over the last few months to determine how I got "here," I find that there is a strong truth to be acknowledged--one I have known about myself for some time; I am incredibly affected in my approach to life by the environment I find myself in. But what if one's overall environment changes? Everything is, in some way, different. Much of what could be counted on before is no longer reliable or trustworthy. And tomorrow...it may change again!

In short, I have been traumatized by the events of my world over the past few months.The world doesn't turn the way that I knew it to anymore. In fact, it's cockeyed on its axis as far as I can tell. I've seen people's belief systems and agendas in a new light--and it has scared me. I think one result has been that I trust people even less than I once did. Perhaps it's more of a commentary on humanity, because I feel like I've seen shades of the worst of it in the recent past.

There's no way to know for sure when all this madness in our world may end--and therefore there is an ongoing sense of unrest inside me. But I must seek peace in the midst of the storm. The difference in the current climate is that so much of the storm is man-made. People are seekers of themselves, in spite of evil and in spite of crime. It's all been predicted in God's Word, but to see it actually playing out is disconcerting at best. 

So, how do I find peace when events swirling around me keep proving the depravity of man? "Jesus" is the simple (and to some, trite-sounding) answer. Nevertheless, He is the answer. I know my limitations, but He has no limits. I know my discouragement, but He says to take courage because He has overcome the world. I must trust in His provision and His will--that all things will fall into place according to God's plan and purpose. Until it does, I may struggle--but the footing that is sure is the foundation secured upon Him, the Chief Cornerstone. 

I know the Bible says that faith without works is dead. And what works does He refer to? I believe it is those works which glorify His name and carry out His Great Commission. I believe also that those works could include acts of asserting freedom. But unless we have the peace of God, which passes all understanding, we cannot step out haphazardly. 

I need direction--and it must be God-birthed. Not stemming from the cares of my own mind as I see society breaking down around me. I know He is a just God. And I know my "comfort" isn't the barometer for peace. There is a comfort that goes beyond circumstances--beyond riots and scandals. It is a deep place of peace for a deep-feeling, intellectually-reasoning, soul-searching individual like myself. Taking His hand so I don't go down the wrong street and get "mugged" by the enemy's intimidations and declarations of victory. My hope is in the Lord.

"And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you." - Psalm 39:7, NLT

Sorting Me Out

I wanted to at least try to articulate (or in this case, postulate) regarding the odd funk I've been in of late, partly for the benefit of others but largely for my own benefit. It hasn't felt like at other times--when the depression I felt was so thick you could cut it with a knife. And it hasn't been a constant wind of anxiety either. In fact, I would describe it more as a disorienting nervousness. It's been weird and disconcerting and has left me searching, as Michael W. Smith sings, "for that missing person." It's like - I knew who I was; I had purpose and vision--but right now it feels like I was just playing a role and am waiting for a new script. But I need God's truth (revelation) as to what that is. It's a time of transition--but to what? I am trusting Him to show me.

So that's sort of the "what" has happened. But why did it happen? I posit that there are several reasons. You can be sure that I have pondered, and re-pondered, and analyzed, and ruminated as to the causes. One thing I've identified is a lack of resolution--about several things: the untimely death of a friend from church, Oregon's prolonged milieu of COVID compliance requirements; some ongoing family stresses. I've learned that resolution is a big thing for me. For example, if there's a shelf that needs to be hung, the only resolution for that issue is to hang it! And until that happens, the issue remains very present in my mind under the heading "Unresolved." It helps to have the little things resolved because then that area of my mind doesn't get as overloaded--there can be temporary relief...until the next thing comes to my attention, which--if unresolved--threatens to make the whole load exceed capacity. There is likely some OCD involved in the mix. 

After COVID changed everything about the job I was doing with the school district, I became more and more convinced that it was time to make my exit. After doing so though, I felt pressure--from within and without--to secure some income. An opportunity came up, and with some hesitation, I accepted it. Though I was repeatedly told I was "doing great," I was definitely not doing great on the inside. There were too many variables and never enough time for me to truly feel like I had a handle on the pins I was juggling. Therefore, I couldn't meet even my own expectations. And the stress load continued to build. And it began to affect my physical health as well. Until I had to step away.

Back in March, I started on a new medication for depression/anxiety. As of October, my dosage has been updated--but my system has not struck a balance with it yet. In the meantime, I haven't wanted to leave the house much and have avoided most interpersonal interaction. There is so much going on in my mind and body that the tracking, responding, and investment required for interaction seems rather daunting--especially with certain people, whom I would categorize as more "intense."

I feel like I'm running on an unreliable battery--you never know when it will need to be recharged. And when it gives out, there's a period of waiting for that life-doing energy to return. I can't not think; therefore, anything and everything has the potential to get added to the stack of unresolved concerns (who am I kidding? It's not a stack; that would be too neat and tidy--more like a box of papers that just lost its bottom, scattering the papers everywhere just as a heavy wind came up). 

No, we can't base everything on our feelings. They are unreliable at best. But it's also difficult to escape them--especially when they seem so ingrained in the body. Which is a big part of what feels different this time around. It's different enough, in fact, that a wonderful friend who's already taken the journey of menopause, pointed some things out that I may wish to consider. In short, I am experiencing many of the manifestations of peri-menopause. My body is likely on the cusp of Hormonal Crazy-town, otherwise known as Menopause. And yes, I've been having occasional hot flashes for some time now.

Interesting that I would find this book today sorting through a bin, almost like it was placed there for me. 

I had to chuckle at the subtitle, as my mom always referred to menopause as "the change of life." I think I'm beginning to understand what she meant. Life doesn't feel remotely the same to me right now, and I do believe bodily changes to be one of the culprits. Something I need to follow up with my doctor on, of course; but I also want to give my medication a chance to do its job so that the map that is drawn of my overall health is an accurate one.

When the title of this blog post came to me, I was thinking "I am trying to sort myself out,", i.e., figure out how things are related and how to unravel the tangled mess. It occurred to me that this may be where the term "out of sorts" comes from--an inability to sort things out. I have most definitely felt out of sorts recently. 

I have a hard time processing my emotions. Therefore, I internalize a lot and in some ways had become desensitized. That's the reason I asked for a medication change back in March, from the one I had been on for years. I felt it deadened my emotions too much. But when I tried going off it prior to that, I experienced a short boost in positive emotions--almost manic, I'd say--followed by a big, depressive, thud. I thought maybe something else could provide better balance. That remains to be seen--but I'm hopeful.

I'm trying not to worry about what other people think (even though I do). I'm trying not to offer to help people with their troubles or needs (even though I want to). I'm trying to teach myself what it means to relax (I am a slow learner with that one). I'm trying not to get down on myself about falling short in the area I've preached so much freedom about--but hoping that my reality may serve to help someone else face theirs. I'm trying to learn to be rather than do. And it's hard.

More than one person has suggested that sometimes you need to pull out of everything in order to see what God has put in front of you for now. What is He saying right now? 

One thing I've sensed Him speaking over me is Peace. I recognize that I have His peace inside me, even when circumstances aren't peaceful. And I am practicing grabbing hold of that peace. I want it all to be well with my soul (my mind, will, emotions)--the heart of me. I feel like a box marked "Fragile" that has been dropped, biffed around, and tipped over so that the contents inside are broken. But unless someone opens the box, everything appears to be fine. I know that God knows me at my core. I need for Him to teach me some of what He knows. 

I know I will make it. I know I will be okay. I know that God will use this time in my life for good. 

Another thing Jesus has been reminding me of is why He had to die. There are fifty reasons presented in the book I'm currently reading. But of course, it all boils down to the most important motivator of all--His love for me. 

I believe in His resurrection power. I believe there are better days ahead. God and I will get it sorted out.

This is Me

How to describe me? I’m a little bit country…and I’m a little bit rock ‘n roll. I like the simple pleasures. And I like to be able to let my hair down, and even do the unexpected. I’m typically a rule-follower…but don’t push me too far. I’m nostalgic, but I try not to cling too tightly to the past. However, my heritage—the legacy my parents left for me (mostly in what they valued and taught)—means a great deal to me.

I treasure my gifts and talents, and I try to use them to bless others. I love all kinds of people. I have a close connection to Jesus—and I endeavor to love like He does. I love karaoke, tattoos, writing poetry, and hanging out with my grandson. I enjoy humor, and it keeps me balanced.

I drink coffee, iced tea, alcohol—pretty much whatever I like. At the same time, I am continuing to make healthy choices for my body, soul, and spirit.

Just when you think you’ve got me figured out, I do something unpredictable. I don’t like to fit in a mold, but I also like to belong—to be accepted in your circle, in all my uniqueness and candor. I won’t continue to hang around long where I feel I don’t belong.

I’m a teacher at heart and a writer to my core. Writing improves my mental state and gives my soul wings. I can easily get bogged down by stress—but I am capable of huge amounts of love, and I have found that finding ways to show love is one way out of stress. And one of the people I must not forget to show love to is me.

I will root for the underdog, support the unpopular, and hold dear the “diamonds in the rough” God has put in my life. I am hardcore compassionate and relentlessly merciful. I adore owls and marvel at butterflies.

I’m a serious thinker whose mind never rests. I have insights on many topics and situations, due to a wide range of experiences and challenges. I am strong, perseverant, and full of purpose. I hope I have passed at least some of those qualities on to my children, who are true rays of sunshine to me—even in their hardest moments.

I am blessed by my husband, my family, my friends, comforts, dreams for the future, word-craft (the ability to express a message creatively and effectively with words), my church, my occupation, and the ability to bless others.

The Road Signs That Lead Us Astray or "A Way Out"

I’ve had (that I can recall) about three trigger events in the past week that have led to feelings leaning toward a depression cycle. Though individually small (not insignificant, just not monumental), it’s important to note that people with depressive disorders/tendencies often compile triggers—sort of like stockpiling ammo for an assault. The unfortunate part is…the assault is on one’s self—particularly the mind and emotions, with an impact of varying degrees on the nervous system as well.

When the “final straw” trigger takes place, the ammo automatically fires—and the individual then needs time to calm down and then literally out-think the depression. Depression has such an emotional (and accompanying physical) impact that it can be easily forgotten that the mind—once it gets to a rational state—can be a recovery tool. The challenge is that you may not believe your own logical mind. However, if you can remind yourself that a certain strategy has worked in the past, you may be able to (at least tentatively) trust the method even though you don’t feel like it.

The direction one takes to recover—and return to “happy trails” depends in part on what I like to call “road signs.” These are avenues, paths, on-ramps we have before us, with the option to take them or not. Some may be new, but if we are not new to depression, many of them will be familiar to us. The thing is, some of the signs lead to good places…and some don’t.

On this “road,” there may be a sign that reads “Bed.” If you follow that sign, it leads to crawling in your bed. That could be good, if you are lacking sleep and that is contributing to your depression. But it could be just another way to hide from others and sink lower into it. That’s why you have to have a side road you can follow that is very clear to you. One will say something like “Slight Detour,” the other “Dead End.” The former means that this is just a temporary pit-stop in Bed; the latter indicates that there is no turn-around—in other words, this behavior could last for days. Telling yourself as you enter Bed that “this is temporary” is a good way to remind yourself that you are not going to stay there long. A dead-end means that you will look for excuses not to leave Bed and your mind will go off in terrible “trapped mindset” directions while you’re there.

But if you pay attention to other signs, like “Stay to the Right,” you will make a choice to head toward right thinking, even if you’re not there right now. When you make that turn, you are saying to yourself, “I am not ready to look to God’s Word, reach out to friends, write a blog post, etc. at this moment—but I soon will be.” I have found that I must give myself permission to bounce back. The enemy has been trying everything lately, including faulty road signs with such messages as “The Land of the Free” with a laughing symbol next to it, meaning, “You never really had freedom;” “Hypocrisy,” meaning, “No one can trust what you say now;” and “Reflection Pool”—that destination wants you to look at yourself and see what the enemy is declaring.

A good road sign is one that takes you in the right direction, even if it’s “the long way around.” “Happy Sights” might be one of those. Just the other day I followed that road sign, even though I wasn’t feeling particularly “happy” upon heading out. But seeing beauty and sunshine and changing up my surroundings was extremely beneficial and boosted my mood at least a few notches.

Another trustable road sign might be “Favorite Scriptures.” Often, these are things we believe deep down in our heart of hearts. So we can look at them (our spirit will eventually look to them) and—even if not feeling them now—know that they will not return void. We really do believe these words, so we can grab hold of knowing them to be true in our head until it moves into our heart once again.

In the past, I could not do that. I would even refuse to let my husband pray for me. Of course, I know he prayed anyway—just not with me. I wouldn’t allow myself to be hopeful—things were just “too hard,” “too impossible,” “too unfixable.”

If we are feeling something “in our bones,” so to speak, it might be best that we look for the same extreme in Scripture. Though life may seem to be “too much,” God’s own Word has some beautiful insights as to His capabilities to help us with our crises and needs (with an emphasis on the too’s):

Jeremiah 32:17 - ‘Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.

Genesis 18:14 - Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, about this time next year, and Sarah shall have a son.”

Jeremiah 32:27 - “Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?

If we can bring ourselves to cry out with a small, however hesitant “Help me, Lord” when we are in the depths of sorrow and despair, He will help. When we reach out to Him, we open ourselves to the possibility of “better” and thus are following the road sign that says “Help.” And the “Help Station” is always open.

The enemy would have us take road signs that lead us astray, such as “Hopelessness,” “Inward-ness,” “Isolation.” Those lead us to perpetuate a cycle that we can’t afford to perpetuate. They lead to beliefs about ourselves that are not accurate, and therefore destructive. Some I’ve been hearing lately include “You aren’t enough;” “You haven’t done enough today to prevent this-or-that or to ensure this-or-that;” “You messed up raising your kids.” So I am leaving my Isolation Chamber and heading out for a diversion activity.

When we listen to those messages—when they control our response, we can’t fulfill our purpose in life, our God-given calling. If we continue to follow those signs, we will continue to be stuck, afraid, and even ashamed. These things I know from experience, from too often taking the road marked “Let’s See What’s Down Here,” which only leads to sinking to lower depths—sometimes so low you think you will never get out.

Instead, though I am no expert, I am fighting to choose to heed the signs I know will lead to hopeful destinations—such as “Beautiful One.” God wants me to see, from His divine lookout point, that the “beautiful one” is me. It is also, of course, you. I am going after signs that read “Something You Love to Do” and “Endorphin Recharge.” Creative and happy-feeling outlets are some of the best things you can do for yourself when you’re on a precarious-feeling road. So is exercise!

I know there are many more signs that present themselves, in both good, bad, and ugly ways—and I’d love to hear some of yours. Let’s help each other become more aware. Let’s expose the enemy’s tactics and become more aware of the Holy Spirit’s paths, or ways. Those signs that sometimes seem to flash at us like a strobe light because God is so desperate for our freedom. Let’s help each other not to ignore them. Nobody wants to end up in a ditch on the side of the road, with no tow truck in sight. Holy Spirit, light up the signs that provide for us a “way out” when we have turned the wrong way, and make the directions easy to follow:

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (I Corinthians 10:13, emphasis mine).