The Road Signs That Lead Us Astray or "A Way Out"

I’ve had (that I can recall) about three trigger events in the past week that have led to feelings leaning toward a depression cycle. Though individually small (not insignificant, just not monumental), it’s important to note that people with depressive disorders/tendencies often compile triggers—sort of like stockpiling ammo for an assault. The unfortunate part is…the assault is on one’s self—particularly the mind and emotions, with an impact of varying degrees on the nervous system as well.

When the “final straw” trigger takes place, the ammo automatically fires—and the individual then needs time to calm down and then literally out-think the depression. Depression has such an emotional (and accompanying physical) impact that it can be easily forgotten that the mind—once it gets to a rational state—can be a recovery tool. The challenge is that you may not believe your own logical mind. However, if you can remind yourself that a certain strategy has worked in the past, you may be able to (at least tentatively) trust the method even though you don’t feel like it.

The direction one takes to recover—and return to “happy trails” depends in part on what I like to call “road signs.” These are avenues, paths, on-ramps we have before us, with the option to take them or not. Some may be new, but if we are not new to depression, many of them will be familiar to us. The thing is, some of the signs lead to good places…and some don’t.

On this “road,” there may be a sign that reads “Bed.” If you follow that sign, it leads to crawling in your bed. That could be good, if you are lacking sleep and that is contributing to your depression. But it could be just another way to hide from others and sink lower into it. That’s why you have to have a side road you can follow that is very clear to you. One will say something like “Slight Detour,” the other “Dead End.” The former means that this is just a temporary pit-stop in Bed; the latter indicates that there is no turn-around—in other words, this behavior could last for days. Telling yourself as you enter Bed that “this is temporary” is a good way to remind yourself that you are not going to stay there long. A dead-end means that you will look for excuses not to leave Bed and your mind will go off in terrible “trapped mindset” directions while you’re there.

But if you pay attention to other signs, like “Stay to the Right,” you will make a choice to head toward right thinking, even if you’re not there right now. When you make that turn, you are saying to yourself, “I am not ready to look to God’s Word, reach out to friends, write a blog post, etc. at this moment—but I soon will be.” I have found that I must give myself permission to bounce back. The enemy has been trying everything lately, including faulty road signs with such messages as “The Land of the Free” with a laughing symbol next to it, meaning, “You never really had freedom;” “Hypocrisy,” meaning, “No one can trust what you say now;” and “Reflection Pool”—that destination wants you to look at yourself and see what the enemy is declaring.

A good road sign is one that takes you in the right direction, even if it’s “the long way around.” “Happy Sights” might be one of those. Just the other day I followed that road sign, even though I wasn’t feeling particularly “happy” upon heading out. But seeing beauty and sunshine and changing up my surroundings was extremely beneficial and boosted my mood at least a few notches.

Another trustable road sign might be “Favorite Scriptures.” Often, these are things we believe deep down in our heart of hearts. So we can look at them (our spirit will eventually look to them) and—even if not feeling them now—know that they will not return void. We really do believe these words, so we can grab hold of knowing them to be true in our head until it moves into our heart once again.

In the past, I could not do that. I would even refuse to let my husband pray for me. Of course, I know he prayed anyway—just not with me. I wouldn’t allow myself to be hopeful—things were just “too hard,” “too impossible,” “too unfixable.”

If we are feeling something “in our bones,” so to speak, it might be best that we look for the same extreme in Scripture. Though life may seem to be “too much,” God’s own Word has some beautiful insights as to His capabilities to help us with our crises and needs (with an emphasis on the too’s):

Jeremiah 32:17 - ‘Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.

Genesis 18:14 - Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, about this time next year, and Sarah shall have a son.”

Jeremiah 32:27 - “Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?

If we can bring ourselves to cry out with a small, however hesitant “Help me, Lord” when we are in the depths of sorrow and despair, He will help. When we reach out to Him, we open ourselves to the possibility of “better” and thus are following the road sign that says “Help.” And the “Help Station” is always open.

The enemy would have us take road signs that lead us astray, such as “Hopelessness,” “Inward-ness,” “Isolation.” Those lead us to perpetuate a cycle that we can’t afford to perpetuate. They lead to beliefs about ourselves that are not accurate, and therefore destructive. Some I’ve been hearing lately include “You aren’t enough;” “You haven’t done enough today to prevent this-or-that or to ensure this-or-that;” “You messed up raising your kids.” So I am leaving my Isolation Chamber and heading out for a diversion activity.

When we listen to those messages—when they control our response, we can’t fulfill our purpose in life, our God-given calling. If we continue to follow those signs, we will continue to be stuck, afraid, and even ashamed. These things I know from experience, from too often taking the road marked “Let’s See What’s Down Here,” which only leads to sinking to lower depths—sometimes so low you think you will never get out.

Instead, though I am no expert, I am fighting to choose to heed the signs I know will lead to hopeful destinations—such as “Beautiful One.” God wants me to see, from His divine lookout point, that the “beautiful one” is me. It is also, of course, you. I am going after signs that read “Something You Love to Do” and “Endorphin Recharge.” Creative and happy-feeling outlets are some of the best things you can do for yourself when you’re on a precarious-feeling road. So is exercise!

I know there are many more signs that present themselves, in both good, bad, and ugly ways—and I’d love to hear some of yours. Let’s help each other become more aware. Let’s expose the enemy’s tactics and become more aware of the Holy Spirit’s paths, or ways. Those signs that sometimes seem to flash at us like a strobe light because God is so desperate for our freedom. Let’s help each other not to ignore them. Nobody wants to end up in a ditch on the side of the road, with no tow truck in sight. Holy Spirit, light up the signs that provide for us a “way out” when we have turned the wrong way, and make the directions easy to follow:

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (I Corinthians 10:13, emphasis mine).

The Necessity of Social Emotional Learning: What It’s Worth

When I shared with someone close to me that the school district I work for has made social emotional learning (SEL) one of the three focus areas for the current platform of distance learning, this person’s response was, “Social emotional learning? You guys teach that? I thought that was the parents’ job.” Perhaps it is, first and foremost, the parents’ job. But many parents have never learned how to effectively manage emotions themselves. So how would they be able to assist their children?

Why is SEL so vital?

According to CASEL, The Collaborative for Academic Social and Emotional Learning, social emotional learning is defined as “the process through which children and adults understand and manage emotions, set and achieve positive goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain positive relationships, and make responsible decisions.”

This school year, prior to the quarantine, I saw many of our emotionally vulnerable students make huge strides in their ability to “stick with it” and achieve goals, function in relationships, and make good choices on a day-to-day basis. Yes, there were bumps in the road at times. But such is true in anyone’s life, if we are honest with ourselves about how we respond to difficult emotions.

We need tools for managing (i.e., regulating) our emotions so that we can do what is needed. If emotions aren’t dealt with properly, kids get “stuck” and learning is blocked.

Everyone’s brain is wired differently—and our coping mechanisms (or lack thereof) are also a product of development (neurological) and/or environment. That’s why we can’t expect students to respond the same way to stimuli. It’s common for people to acknowledge that all children learn differently. But it’s not as “standard” yet for people to concede that all children regulate differently, or respond to emotions differently. The thing about emotions is that we all have them. But what good does it do to recognize the existence of learning disabilities and not be willing to recognize that kids also have emotional disabilities. It doesn’t mean they cannot manage emotions—it means they need support in order to do so, just as those with learning challenges need academic supports.

Some of the regulation tools we teach, model, and utilize in the school where I work are The Toolbox Project and the Zones of Regulation:

The “Toolbox” is a set of emotional skills that help kids learn to internally manage their emotions for personal, social, and academic success. The twelve tools that are built upon throughout the year are: Breathing Tool, Quiet Safe Place Tool, Listening Tool, Empathy Tool, Personal Space Tool, Using Our Words Tool, Garbage Can Tool, Taking Time Tool, Please & Thank You Tool, Apology & Forgiveness Tool, Patience Tool, and Courage Tool. For example, one might utilize the Garbage Can Tool when someone says something hurtful. A student who has learned how to “let the little things go” can “throw away” those unkind words without taking them into his/her personal space, knowing that things that are harmful, we are allowed to get rid of. Instead of being impatient, demanding, and impulsive, the Patience Tool teaches children to practice waiting quietly—and develops stamina for situations that are beyond their control.

The Zones of Regulation, designed by an occupational therapist, uses colors (zones) to help children identify their feelings and talk about them. The Red Zone encompasses intense emotions, such as anger. The Yellow Zone involves heightened emotions (yet not as intense as red), such as stress and anxiety. The Green Zone is the desirable zone to be in—happy, open to new experiences. The Blue Zone describes just that—feeling “blue” or sad, tired, or somehow experiencing low emotions.

I desperately wish that social emotional learning had been included in my children’s coursework when  they attended private school. I can think of times, for each of them, that troubles might have been more quickly averted—or avoided altogether—had they possessed such tools. It isn’t helpful to tell a child, “Don’t be sad” without giving him or her a framework by which to not be sad. It isn’t helpful to say to an escalated child, “Calm down,” without a strategy to offer in terms of helping him or her to calm down. Even to identify with a child’s emotions can be a good first step, and then one can offer alternatives. ‘I see you’re in the red zone right now. What do you need? Would you like to use the calming corner?’

For my first two years in public school, I had a bit more rigid perspective. I was still compassionate. But I was surprised by the number of kids who were disrespectful, had severe outbursts, or caused major classroom disruptions. Like adults, kids come to us with all different backgrounds, experiences, traumas. If we never give them a chance to learn how to function, they will become some of the dysfunctional, victim-minded, under-successful adults we see in our everyday lives. I use the term “under-successful” because while most people experience success even in some small area at some point in life, those without adequate regulation skills will be less likely to reach their full potential.

As I continued to work in my public school environment, after years working in Christian education, God continued to remind me of my son’s earlier years—his oppositional-defiant behavior, how quickly he would become triggered into an escalation event, the trauma I experienced from that. I began to realize that I was having some PTSD symptoms of my own, much like some of the students I encountered on a daily basis. It wasn’t until I could get past my own emotional response that I could begin to see the kids’ struggles a bit more clearly.

For a kid who’s escalated—sometimes the only thing one can do is wait until they’re in a calm space. And how long that takes varies from person to person. Have you ever tried to reel in a giant, ferocious, thrashing shark with a standard fishing pole (think JAWS)? It will be easily snapped like a toothpick. It’s made for fish who aren’t bigger than average, who aren’t going to put up much of a fight. That’s how it is when we (futilely, I might add) attempt to de-escalate a child who’s already passed the emotional return threshold. You just have to wait it out.

Why are these kids in school?, some of you may be asking. Shouldn’t they be in some special kind of environment? In my mind, the answer is: They are there so that we can assist them, because they need to belong and be loved, so that they can become the leaders of tomorrow. We are the special school, because we specialize in meeting the needs of each child. Will there be children who need more specialization than what the school system has to offer (such as intensive counseling or therapy of some sort)? Certainly. Will there be kids who are too dangerous to be with other kids? Probably. But my hope and my conviction is that’s not the end of their story.

In a system that lacked emotional regulation supports, my son “made it,” though many times barely—and roughly (through much depression and anxiety) because he did have people in his life who cared deeply about him. But did he need more? Absolutely. And I wish he’d had the opportunity to learn it.

Social emotional learning is gradually becoming more accepted as a discipline in today’s society, especially among millennial parents. I see my daughter and her husband teaching our three-year-old grandson to take deep breaths to calm himself down and teaching him to practice patience, using simple phrases he can grab hold of and repeat back, such as “I can be patient” or “I will wait.” And they started that process with him early.

I hear some of you asking ‘Where has discipline gone?’ I found myself asking the same thing when my son was young and I seemed to have no control over him. What I learned was that I didn’t need to control him; I needed to assist him and let him know he was loved no matter what. To not take things he would say in anger personally (that can be a tough one). He needed to learn how to establish control for himself—and what resources were available when he needed help. It’s only when children have their minds and emotions in a good balance that they can fully acknowledge and take responsibility for their actions. And of course, they should be taught to do so. But there is a balance to be struck when dealing with a child that is dysregulated. Things have to be prioritized.

Rather than continue to lament my son’s lack of emotional education, I have chosen to be more committed to social emotional learning for my own life. And in whatever arena God puts me, I believe it’s an important skill set to bring in. Since we’ve had a consistent system and team for behavioral support, things have improved at my workplace. I have seen more smiles on kids’ faces, and things that would have triggered them in the past they are being able to work through.

There’s an “Indian proverb,” that though credited to many tribes, actually comes from a poem by Mary T. Lathrap, written in 1895. The original title was “Judge Softly.”

Pray, don’t find fault with the man that limps,
Or stumbles along the road.
Unless you have worn the moccasins he wears,
Or stumbled beneath the same load.
There may be tears in his soles that hurt
Though hidden away from view.
The burden he bears placed on your back
May cause you to stumble and fall, too.
Don’t sneer at the man who is down today
Unless you have felt the same blow
That caused his fall or felt the shame
That only the fallen know.
You may be strong, but still the blows
That were his, unknown to you in the same way,
May cause you to stagger and fall, too.
Don’t be too harsh with the man that sins.
Or pelt him with words, or stone, or disdain.
Unless you are sure you have no sins of your own,
And it’s only wisdom and love that your heart contains.
For you know if the tempter’s voice
Should whisper as soft to you,
As it did to him when he went astray,
It might cause you to falter, too.
Just walk a mile in his moccasins
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse.
If just for one hour, you could find a way
To see through his eyes, instead of your own muse.
I believe  you’d be surprised to see
That you’ve been blind and narrow minded, even unkind.
There are people on reservations and in the ghettos
Who have so little hope, and too much worry on their minds.
Brother, there but for the grace of God go you and I.
Just for a moment, slip into his mind and traditions
And see the world through his spirit and eyes
Before you cast a stone or falsely judge his conditions.
Remember to walk a mile in his moccasins
And remember the lessons of humanity taught to you by your elders.
We will be known forever by the tracks we leave
In other people’s lives, our kindnesses and generosity.
Take the time to walk a mile in his moccasins.

Here’s my challenge. Let’s apply that “Don’t judge unless you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins” ideal to children as well. We don’t know what they’ve been through, what they regularly deal with (inside or out), or…what they will grow up to be. That latter one, though, is the one we may be able to have an impact on if we help them now. Social emotional learning is something that should have been taught in my dad’s day. Maybe in your dad’s day. We could all understand each other a bit better if we were exposed to it and had a chance to practice it in a real context. It belongs in every school arena, public and private. And home school as well. There are many curricula out there—many tools to be had. Many bridges to build in human understanding. Our kids—and I speak collectively for the masses—are worth it.