I had to retrace the steps of my life and consider how different events had had an impact on me. I realized that it had started weeks before. I had sent a special card to my son at U of O, a "love note from Mom." I had designed the card and taken care in writing it. I had enclosed some special bookmarks I felt would appeal to my son's interests and artistic tastes. I had even put in a bag of sweet cinnamon spice tea--which I hoped would bring comfort and remind him further of how much I love him. The same evening, I had prepared a similar "mail gift" for my oldest daughter.
After putting them in the mail, I kept waiting to receive a text from Josiah saying something to the effect of 'Got your card. Thanks,' but nothing. Finally, after a week or so, I checked with my daughter to confirm whether she had received my card. She had--she just kept forgetting to say 'thank you.' Well, no problem there--I was just glad she had gotten it.
Around that same time, Josiah wanted a ride home for the weekend. I went to get him and found out he had not received my card. But he could check his campus mail before we left. Great! But...no mail from Mom.
By then, the coronavirus had started to spread in our region, and a couple weeks later, we found ourselves going to U of O to get all of Josiah's belongings--he was, in fact, coming home for a duration. Classes had already switched to online-only, and it appeared that this system would be the case for some time. At that point, he was unable to get any more mail. So much time had passed, it was very unlikely that his card would suddenly appear, but it was disappointing all the same--leading me to believe that someone in the campus mailroom had probably ripped open the rather thick envelope to see what was inside--but my son had not received what was so thoughtfully prepared just for him.
I didn't realize until a couple weeks later how greatly the "missing mail" had affected me. I felt betrayed by the postal system. And sentiments that were expressed in a particular way had fallen into the great void somewhere, unread by their intended recipient.
I think some cynicism may have crept into my heart at that point. And during this time...things started to roll in terms of COVID-19. We were first told to limit to groups of 25. That was odd for sure--but not too extreme. But with that came the cancellation of church gatherings. And school too! At first, getting out for "spring break" a week early didn't seem so bad. But then it became more and more clear that this was not really a spring break--this was a strategic shut-down of many things I had come to know as my normal routine. And it all happened so suddenly.
The next thing I knew, our city was saying we shouldn't even be in groups of two, and then there was the six-feet-apart rule and the consecutive closure of business after business in the community. Anything deemed non-essential was going away, and restaurants could only function if they were able to keep up with the demands of take-out orders.
Inside, I stopped my pattern of "movement"--that anticipation of going places (or at least having the option to go some of those places); the feeling of being an active member of a community system, like wheels and cogs turning gears at just the right times to keep it all running smoothly. This was a major disruption to life as I knew it.
I would normally go to exercise class before work. Now my exercise class was no longer able to meet, and I didn't have work. I would run sometimes before work as well--or on Saturdays. But that was in a world where I had certain other things to look forward to--errands to do, for example; but now I had to stop and consider whether an errand could even take place. Some were now not possible to carry out. I felt as though the cogs had slipped, the wheels were wobbling and ready to fall off, and the gears were grinding unnervingly. At was as if the "la la la la la" happy-skip-and-a-jump outlook that was always in my approach had changed to a "blah blah blah blah blah" melancholy tentative-step-and-a-plop.
I began to take on some old lazy habits. Sleeping in till noon or later (at least at first) because I perceived a lack of purpose. So far I had experienced--when all tolled--a colossal dissing: disappointment, disengagement (from school and most of my regular interactions), disintegration (of community businesses and systems), and overall disruption of routine--the things I had counted on and taken for granted were now, one by one, being stripped away. At first I felt sort of numb...then depressed...then a bit lost--like wandering in an unfamiliar wilderness where one is unable to get his or her bearings.
And then came the old feelings of shame--I hadn't experienced that in a while. I tried not to welcome it in, but I couldn't deny that its presence in some ways made sense--it seemed to go with everything else that was happening. I hadn't been on anxiety/depression medication in over a month--something I had been really proud of and excited about. But now...well, I was trying to deny the very real possibility that I would need to go back on those meds. In my mind, that had become my past; now it may become my present again. The thought was discouraging. But ultimately, I decided that if those meds were what I needed to help me function through this uncertain and stressful time, I would do it; I would swallow the "bitter pill," as it were.
All this upheaval in a few weeks' time! Once I was able to stand back and observe the emotional shambles of my level of function, I had some decisions to make. I would point out that during all this inner turmoil, I was still continuing to do projects at home--I kept making attempts at normalcy. But after each project was complete, I felt a very short-lived sense of satisfaction.
Clearly, this couldn't continue. I had to find my purpose in it all. I had to get a new perspective. And I had to get my groove back! And here is what I have learned so far:
1) God's goodness is constant, even during unprecedented, trying times.
2) Pursuing health applies as a vital lifestyle, even when life's patterns change.
3) Fulfillment comes as I fill myself with God's truth, presence, and perspective.
4) His perspective sees everything, yet offers practical, "daily bread" help for today.
5) Racing much ahead of this moment is not particularly wise, because I will miss the joy that's available to me each step of the way.
So, while I am establishing a "new groove," I am trying to be aware of what God is saying--and embrace life-changing truth. Though circumstances around me haven't changed, I can. I can grow and develop during this time in my understanding of who He is.
I looked up the word "momentum." It means "force or speed of movement; impetus, as of a physical object or course of events." We see this momentum, or energy, in Philippians 2 (The Message), beginning in verse 12 where Paul says to "keep on doing what you've done from the beginning. When I was living among you, you lived in responsive obedience. Now that I'm separated from you, keep it up. Better yet, redouble your efforts. Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. 13 That energy is God's energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure.14 Do everything readily and cheerfully - no bickering, no second-guessing allowed"
To me that says, even if we are removed from parts of our typical community and/or our leaders, we have a charge to obediently carry out the call of Christ for this time--living in a cheerful manner--continuing to give our lives to His cause and not hold back because of circumstantial restrictions. Love is powerful enough to find a way--our charge is to keep His love growing in our hearts so that it is flowing out--love can't help but do that, after all.
So my groove may not be as smoothly established as I would like, but for now it simply is. And I am relying on God for changes that need to be made. My life verse, even in this new holding pattern--and I'm learning deeper meanings of this verse--continues to be Romans 8:28, and I'm looking for Him in my situation: "And we know that to them that love God all things work together for good, [even] to them that are called according to [his] purpose (ASV)."
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