When I shared with someone close to me
that the school district I work for has made social emotional learning (SEL)
one of the three focus areas for the current platform of distance learning,
this person’s response was, “Social emotional learning? You guys teach that? I
thought that was the parents’ job.” Perhaps it is, first and foremost,
the parents’ job. But many parents have never learned how to effectively manage
emotions themselves. So how would they be able to assist their children?
Why is SEL so
vital?
According to CASEL, The Collaborative
for Academic Social and Emotional Learning, social emotional learning is
defined as “the process through which children and adults understand and manage
emotions, set and achieve positive goals, feel and show empathy for others,
establish and maintain positive relationships, and make responsible decisions.”
This school year, prior to the
quarantine, I saw many of our emotionally vulnerable students make huge strides
in their ability to “stick with it” and achieve goals, function in
relationships, and make good choices on a day-to-day basis. Yes, there were
bumps in the road at times. But such is true in anyone’s life, if we are honest
with ourselves about how we respond to difficult emotions.
We need tools for managing (i.e.,
regulating) our emotions so that we can do what is needed. If emotions aren’t
dealt with properly, kids get “stuck” and learning is blocked.
Everyone’s brain is wired differently—and
our coping mechanisms (or lack thereof) are also a product of development
(neurological) and/or environment. That’s why we can’t expect students to respond the same way
to stimuli. It’s common for people to acknowledge that all children learn
differently. But it’s not as “standard” yet for people to concede that all
children regulate differently, or respond to emotions differently. The
thing about emotions is that we all have them. But what good does it do
to recognize the existence of learning disabilities and not be willing to recognize
that kids also have emotional disabilities. It doesn’t mean they cannot
manage emotions—it means they need support in order to do so, just as
those with learning challenges need academic supports.
Some of the regulation tools we teach,
model, and utilize in the school where I work are The Toolbox Project and the
Zones of Regulation:
The
“Toolbox” is a set of emotional skills that help kids learn to internally
manage their emotions for personal, social, and academic success. The twelve
tools that are built upon throughout the year are: Breathing Tool, Quiet Safe
Place Tool, Listening Tool, Empathy Tool, Personal Space Tool, Using Our Words
Tool, Garbage Can Tool, Taking Time Tool, Please & Thank You Tool, Apology
& Forgiveness Tool, Patience Tool, and Courage Tool. For example, one might
utilize the Garbage Can Tool when someone says something hurtful. A student who
has learned how to “let the little things go” can “throw away” those unkind
words without taking them into his/her personal space, knowing that things that
are harmful, we are allowed to get rid of. Instead of being impatient,
demanding, and impulsive, the Patience Tool teaches children to practice
waiting quietly—and develops stamina for situations that are beyond their
control.
The
Zones of Regulation, designed by an occupational therapist, uses colors (zones)
to help children identify their feelings and talk about them. The Red Zone encompasses
intense emotions, such as anger. The Yellow Zone involves heightened emotions
(yet not as intense as red), such as stress and anxiety. The Green Zone is the
desirable zone to be in—happy, open to new experiences. The Blue Zone describes
just that—feeling “blue” or sad, tired, or somehow experiencing low emotions.
I desperately wish that social
emotional learning had been included in my children’s coursework when they attended private school. I can think of
times, for each of them, that troubles might have been more quickly averted—or avoided
altogether—had they possessed such tools. It isn’t helpful to tell a
child, “Don’t be sad” without giving him or her a framework by which to not
be sad. It isn’t helpful to say to an escalated child, “Calm down,” without a
strategy to offer in terms of helping him or her to calm down. Even to identify
with a child’s emotions can be a good first step, and then one can offer
alternatives. ‘I see you’re in the red zone right now. What do you need? Would you
like to use the calming corner?’
For my first two years in public
school, I had a bit more rigid perspective. I was still compassionate.
But I was surprised by the number of kids who were disrespectful, had severe
outbursts, or caused major classroom disruptions. Like adults, kids come to us
with all different backgrounds, experiences, traumas. If we never give them a
chance to learn how to function, they will become some of the
dysfunctional, victim-minded, under-successful adults we see in our everyday
lives. I use the term “under-successful” because while most people experience
success even in some small area at some point in life, those without adequate regulation
skills will be less likely to reach their full potential.
As I continued to work in my public
school environment, after years working in Christian education, God continued
to remind me of my son’s earlier years—his oppositional-defiant behavior, how
quickly he would become triggered into an escalation event, the trauma I
experienced from that. I began to realize that I was having some PTSD symptoms
of my own, much like some of the students I encountered on a daily basis. It
wasn’t until I could get past my own emotional response that I could
begin to see the kids’ struggles a bit more clearly.
For a kid who’s escalated—sometimes the
only thing one can do is wait until they’re in a calm space. And how long
that takes varies from person to person. Have you ever tried to reel in a
giant, ferocious, thrashing shark with a standard fishing pole (think JAWS)? It
will be easily snapped like a toothpick. It’s made for fish who aren’t bigger
than average, who aren’t going to put up much of a fight. That’s how it is when
we (futilely, I might add) attempt to de-escalate a child who’s already passed
the emotional return threshold. You just have to wait it out.
Why are these
kids in school?, some of you may
be asking. Shouldn’t they be in some special kind of environment? In my
mind, the answer is: They are there so that we can assist them, because they
need to belong and be loved, so that they can become the leaders of tomorrow.
We are the special school, because we specialize in meeting the needs of
each child. Will there be children who need more specialization than
what the school system has to offer (such as intensive counseling or therapy of
some sort)? Certainly. Will there be kids who are too dangerous to be with
other kids? Probably. But my hope and my conviction is that’s not the end of
their story.
In a system that lacked emotional
regulation supports, my son “made it,” though many times barely—and roughly
(through much depression and anxiety) because he did have people in his life
who cared deeply about him. But did he need more? Absolutely. And I wish
he’d had the opportunity to learn it.
Social emotional learning is gradually
becoming more accepted as a discipline in today’s society, especially among millennial
parents. I see my daughter and her husband teaching our three-year-old grandson
to take deep breaths to calm himself down and teaching him to practice
patience, using simple phrases he can grab hold of and repeat back, such as “I
can be patient” or “I will wait.” And they started that process with him early.
I hear some of you asking ‘Where has
discipline gone?’ I found myself asking the same thing when my son was young
and I seemed to have no control over him. What I learned was that I didn’t need
to control him; I needed to assist him and let him know he was loved no matter
what. To not take things he would say in anger personally (that can be a tough
one). He needed to learn how to establish control for himself—and what
resources were available when he needed help. It’s only when children have
their minds and emotions in a good balance that they can fully acknowledge and
take responsibility for their actions. And of course, they should be taught to
do so. But there is a balance to be struck when dealing with a child that is
dysregulated. Things have to be prioritized.
Rather than continue to lament my son’s
lack of emotional education, I have chosen to be more committed to social
emotional learning for my own life. And in whatever arena God puts me, I
believe it’s an important skill set to bring in. Since we’ve had a consistent
system and team for behavioral support, things have improved at my workplace. I
have seen more smiles on kids’ faces, and things that would have triggered them
in the past they are being able to work through.
There’s an “Indian proverb,” that
though credited to many tribes, actually comes from a poem by Mary T. Lathrap,
written in 1895. The original title was “Judge Softly.”
Pray, don’t find fault with the man that limps,
Or stumbles along the road.
Unless you have worn the moccasins he wears,
Or stumbled beneath the same load.
There may be tears in his soles that hurt
Though hidden away from view.
The burden he bears placed on your back
May cause you to stumble and fall, too.
Don’t sneer at the man who is down today
Unless you have felt the same blow
That caused his fall or felt the shame
That only the fallen know.
You may be strong, but still the blows
That were his, unknown to you in the same way,
May cause you to stagger and fall, too.
Don’t be too harsh with the man that sins.
Or pelt him with words, or stone, or disdain.
Unless you are sure you have no sins of your own,
And it’s only wisdom and love that your heart contains.
For you know if the tempter’s voice
Should whisper as soft to you,
As it did to him when he went astray,
It might cause you to falter, too.
Just walk a mile in his moccasins
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse.
If just for one hour, you could find a way
To see through his eyes, instead of your own muse.
I believe you’d be surprised to see
That you’ve been blind and narrow minded, even unkind.
There are people on reservations and in the ghettos
Who have so little hope, and too much worry on their minds.
Brother, there but for the grace of God go you and I.
Just for a moment, slip into his mind and traditions
And see the world through his spirit and eyes
Before you cast a stone or falsely judge his conditions.
Remember to walk a mile in his moccasins
And remember the lessons of humanity taught to you by your elders.
We will be known forever by the tracks we leave
In other people’s lives, our kindnesses and generosity.
Take the time to walk a mile in his moccasins.
Here’s my challenge. Let’s apply that “Don’t judge unless you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins” ideal to children as well. We don’t know what they’ve been through, what they regularly deal with (inside or out), or…what they will grow up to be. That latter one, though, is the one we may be able to have an impact on if we help them now. Social emotional learning is something that should have been taught in my dad’s day. Maybe in your dad’s day. We could all understand each other a bit better if we were exposed to it and had a chance to practice it in a real context. It belongs in every school arena, public and private. And home school as well. There are many curricula out there—many tools to be had. Many bridges to build in human understanding. Our kids—and I speak collectively for the masses—are worth it.
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