My Child Said He Hates Me: Choosing to Make Room for God's Best

Right up there with a parent’s most wounding experiences is that moment when your own child says “I hate you.” If it’s never happened to you, count yourself fortunate--it's an awful experience. But if it has, there is a perspective God wants us to have—that the enemy would like to keep secret. Ready?

That hatefulness didn’t come from your child—it’s not who he or she really is. It’s a spirit coming against your son or daughter that he or she has made temporary agreement with. Later, your child is going to feel terrible for spouting such venom at you. Because it’s a lie. In a state of frustration and vulnerability, your child took things one step further and used the enemy’s very own words to hurt you.

The enemy wants to do even more damage too—he wants you to entertain this thought: Maybe he or she really does hate me. This thought is sure to be followed by what may seem to be “self” accusations, but they really originate from the Accuser of the Brethren.

Satan is looking for our agreement. If we agree that our son or daughter must hate us, we’ll also be inclined to agree about what a terrible parent we must be—a complete failure, in fact. Do you see how quickly one can enter a downward spiral?

Yes, hearing your child say something like that hurts. But instead of allowing the enemy to beat you up over it, use it as an opportunity to pray. Ask Him to heal your heart and to also heal whatever is wrong in your child’s heart. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you discernment as to what that might be and wisdom on how to address it. Approach “what the enemy meant for evil” proactively—with hope and expectation of God’s healing and restoration.

Identity is a powerful weapon—the enemy hates it, because when God’s people possess it, they aren’t easy prey anymore. John 10:10a says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;…” He wants to steal our hope of a good relationship with our son or daughter, to kill our self-worth as a parent, to destroy all manner of peace within our home.  But if we know who we are—and who our child is—we won’t be so quick to abdicate our authority in Christ. “He has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him,…” (Colossians 1:22, ESV). Holy and blameless and above reproach! Don’t let God’s enemy blame you when God has declared you blameless!

Obviously, words shouted at a parent in anger need to be addressed, but it needs to be after everyone has had a chance to process what happened—to chill out and take stock of what the truth of the matter is.

One of my children was diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) at a fairly young age. Difficulty controlling impulses and emotions is a hallmark of ODD. I’ve heard some pretty mean things, but I knew that wasn’t my child’s true heart. As parents, it is our job to speak to the spirit of our child. The flesh may be agreeing with the enemy, but “The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,…” (Romans 8:16). That’s why we speak to the regenerated part of our son or daughter about who they really are. “You’re a child of God. You love people. You’re full of compassion. Remember that time you gave your balloon to a friend because she’d lost hers? Those words you said to me earlier are not you. I know who you really are.” Then let the Holy Spirit lead you in the process of leading them to repentance—that is, if it hasn’t already occurred. Many times, our child would come and apologize, having been convicted and having realized that what had been said was truly hurtful. Loving embraces generally followed.

God is the same way with us. No, we may not have ever said, “God, I hate you,” but when we disobey Him or act in ways that are contrary to who we really are, we show contempt for our Maker. We show that we don’t believe what He says about us.

Satan would love to use ‘I hate you’ situations with our children to put a wedge between us and them, to break down the relationship so that in the teen years there will be a complete disconnect. He wants to sow discord and lack of understanding. My encouragement to parents in dealing with this or any other type of hurtful conflict is to remember who your enemy really is. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12).

Allow God’s love for your child, even in the midst of tears and prolonged difficulty, to be perfected in your heart. “Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]” (I Corinthians 13:7). Love believes the best. Choose to believe for the very best of what your child will become, and speak that word over his or her life. The circumstances may not match destiny for a while, but have faith—the best is yet to come.