Only-ness Explored

 When I was little, I’d sometimes say to my mom, “I want a brother or sister.” I didn’t realize until I got a bit older that my mom really wanted that for me too. My dad, however, was not keen on the idea. There were times that I felt gypped growing up—and as a teenager, I felt like a bit of an oddball already, so being one of very few people my age with no siblings made me even odder.

My dad was 42 when I was born. Many thought he’d never even marry. I think he couldn’t get over the idea that he actually was a dad, let alone entertain the idea of producing more offspring.

What I wouldn’t have given, though, during some of those awkward teen years—to have a sister close to my age! I was jealous of my cousin, Tricia, who had not only two older sisters but a younger brother as well. I dreamed of how wonderful all that would be.

Certainly, I experienced benefits from being an only child—but there was much I didn’t get to experience—and therefore understand. I didn’t get the whole sibling rivalry thing. I thought that if I’d be so grateful just to have a sibling, why would fighting be necessary? I imagined what it would be like to have an older brother to protect me, a close-in-age sister to be a playmate, or a younger sibling to look out for and teach things to.

I think that with only children, life can go one of two ways—and some of it is based on personality as well—they can become either very independent or very dependent. I was of the latter camp. I think all only’s are spoiled in some way or another. For me, it was in getting my own way about most things. I didn’t have regular chores growing up, so I became very dependent on my parents for doing most things for me. I did work during high school, but I’d never been taught how to properly manage money—and with my propensity toward having my own way—money didn’t last so long. And work—well, if I didn’t feel like going, I’d find a reason to be “sick” and not go, as I always had with school. This may seem like more independent behavior—but really I was dependent on emotions, and the people around me to set me straight when my emotions went awry. I was the opposite of responsible. Looking back now, I think that even as a teenager I thought the world should pretty much understand whatever I was going through at whatever time—and adjust accordingly. The truth is, I knew that wasn’t reality.

So when I got married, I had to learn to give up some of my selfish ways and learn to put someone else first. I’d say that I’m still a work in progress, but I’ve definitely grown by leaps and bounds. This is a challenge I believe many only children face (we tend to be on the stubborn side—and that can be an understatement).

     Some difficult emotions that only children often experience and the positive aspects associated with them:

·         Loneliness – sometimes there just isn’t someone to play with; this can lead to greater creativity and use of imagination in occupying one’s time.

·         Feeling “left out” or ignored – particularly when adults are having conversations the only child isn’t welcome to join in; an only child can learn patience, respect, and even look for opportunities to “perform” at the right times for visiting adults. One could call it “social cues” training.

·         Boredom – sometimes that’s just the reality; it was during some of those moments that I explored drawing or reading, or building things.

·         Fear – because the only child has never had siblings who’ve needed reassurances (for example, at night), he or she gets all the parents’ reassurances. Unfortunately, this can lead to melodrama because the only child realizes it’s fairly easy to get the parents to coddle him or her. Three or four children would normally get sent right back to bed, but when there’s just one…well it’s a remarkable set-up to take advantage (“I’m scared—can I come sleep in your bed?”). The positive side is that when the ploy doesn’t work, the only child must learn to self-soothe—and in a believing family, this can also be a prime time of “talking to God” that the child can develop.

·         Frustration at perceived injustice – With the world revolving around the only child, as it were, perspectives are not always what they should be. When met with stricter guidelines, the only child may respond with “That’s not fair” or “You’re not my mother.” The positive is that he or she may have to experience some consequences, thereby helping to bring home the lesson that the world, in fact, has an orbit that is not determined by the vicinity of him or her.

     Not all only children have the same struggles, and not all parents of only children discipline in the same ways. But I do believe they tend to think of themselves as somewhat “different.” That may also mean different things to different people.

     For me, the hardest part of being an only child didn’t come until I was in my forties—and my parents both needed professional care. My dad had quickly progressing Alzheimer’s, and my mom had extensive nursing care needs. I found myself having to make difficult decisions virtually alone, as there were no siblings to share the load with. I was all they had, and so they heavily relied on me—to the point that my own health was affected for a while.

     The bottom-line question, of course is: Do I regret growing up an only child? No. I had a closer relationship with my parents than most kids do, I think. And I was able to glean some things from them that I otherwise might’ve missed, as they only had me to share with and focus on. I know that some of the experiences I went through as an adult child with ailing parents strengthened me and caused me to look to God in ways I hadn’t before.

     I was all my daddy ever wanted—a little girl to call his own. I was the apple of his eye. And my mom’s too—just a bit differently. Knowing how deeply my parents loved and adored me—and that it was all mine—well, that’s an honor that will always be most dear to me.

           Being an only child has also caused me to highly value friendships. I’ve had the opportunity to develop “family” outside bloodlines that I’m eternally grateful for. And I believe it’s given me a perspective by which I can encourage and foster relationships between my own children. Sibling relationships are a gift from God and should be treasured.

   God has used my only-child upbringing for good in many ways. Do I recommend limiting oneself to a single child (if it can be avoided)? No. But I will always be grateful for the family God placed me in and the growth He has accomplished in my life through my familial role.