This Little Piggy

I’m going to be a grandmother! Now there’s a sentence that seemed so far from ever gracing my lips just a few short years ago. I have some vivid memories of my years with little kids as a mom; I wonder—will it be the same with my grandchild—and down the road (hopefully) grandchildren?

I imagine lots of rocking, helping pudgy fingers fit plastic geometric shapes into matching holes, finger-paint adventures…even that long-awaited sequel, Baby Food, Revisited. I picture having more photos of my grandkids hanging around the house than I ever had of my own children; impulse buys; “stations” set up in my house to cater to the interests and needs of the little one (like the changing table currently holding a prominent place in the closet of my craft room).

I hope that I will be fun—and suspect that I may even be more fun than I was with my kids in their growing-up years. I may just be destined to turn into one of those silly grandmas, like my mom was—and she thoroughly enjoyed it too.

I envision eliciting giggles, supervising bath-time with lots of floaty friends (motivating me to keep the bathtub clean as a whistle), and having “special” cups and dishes at Grandma’s house.

I am excited to learn this little one’s personality—what he or she loves or hates, values or disregards, collects or abandons. Will my grandchild be artistically inclined, an avid reader, athletic? So many questions to be answered and avenues to explore. And I hope to be a big part of the exploration.

I didn’t have grandparents who were super involved in my day-to-day happenings—and I desire something completely different with my first grandchild—and any grandchildren yet to come. I want to cultivate a grandparent-grandchild relationship that is unsurpassed in its levels of connection, love, and trust. When that little voice wants to tell me something, I want to be fully present, engaged, and showing the utmost interest. I want games like “This Little Piggy” to not just be a silly song—but a heartfelt shared event that cannot be experienced in quite the same way among any other people in the universe except us two. I want to know my grandchild—and likewise, be known.

I expect that this precious little one will sometimes exasperate me, tire me, or otherwise push against my limits, but in my mind and heart the joy that is to come far outweighs any of the momentary struggles.

So here’s to dirty diapers, spitting out unwanted mash, throwing spoons on the floor, and even causing a scene at the mall. I will be stocking up on hugs and kisses, songs and stories, picking outfits and picking flowers. I am all in. I can’t wait to see your face, little cherub. Be prepared—I plan to be the best stinkin’ grandma around!

Why Does God Allow Depression?

I used to ask myself that question many times. When you’re chronically depressed, you see the world differently than other people. A mildly disappointing event—like being a few minutes late to where you were going due to heavy traffic—can be a “sign” that things are, in fact, working against you. If taken to its extreme, that line of thinking leads to the conclusion that God doesn’t really care about you. If He did, He certainly wouldn’t allow you to go on suffering every day. Your own mind wouldn’t be your enemy. You wouldn’t be such a screwed-up mess—with relationships you hold at a distance in order to try and contain that mess that is your life.

I may not have an easily-packaged answer as to why God allows depression to exist. But there are a couple things I know to be true: 1) God doesn’t represent depression—He’s not in favor of it, He doesn’t condone it, and it’s not His plan for anyone. 2) God represents the exact opposite—Caring. Hope. Love. “God is light; in him there is no darkness at all” (I John 1:5)—if God is light, He can’t be a part of depression, because depression represents darkness—that place of discouragement, hopelessness, and even utter contempt for life.

But even though He’s not a part of the darkness, He will be with you in your darkness—He will be shining His light and showing you the way out. God’s light is so bright that you can’t help but see it—or at least perceive that it’s there. The problem is that you think you can’t possibly get to it, or that for you it simply won’t work—there’s no solution to your depression. So it seems “safe,” inevitable, even right for you to stay immersed in it.

Your depression is not a problem for God—though the enemy would like you to believe that; he’d like you to think that God has got to be utterly disappointed in you and not willing to waste any more time trying to get you out of depression. And if God’s disappointed, well then why should you bother to hold out any hope for yourself? The Lord says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3). His love doesn’t run out on us, and His kindness does not fail. He will keep loving us and being kind to us no matter what. Depression cannot separate you from His love; nothing can! “…neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).

One more thing I know (we’ll call this number 3)—God shows His love in a variety of ways. 

Sometimes what may not look like love to you at the time actually, undoubtedly is—and you’re certain to realize it later on down the road. Sometimes His love looks like isolation—but His goal really isn’t to isolate you—it’s to get you to look to Him. Jesus holds the keys of sin and death—and if He’s got all that, well, He’s got the keys to depression too. Sometimes when He offers us keys, though, we don’t recognize them as keys at the time—they may appear to be more of a hammer or a hairbrush, something to knock us over the head or to merely meet a physical need. Later on, when we look back, we can see how our good Father was orchestrating everything for our good.

So why does God not just whisk depression away? He certainly could—but He also sees the bigger picture. And I think that most of the time, when He looks at that picture, He likes to see us leaning on Him. And we learn to do that in the quiet place, when we are able to hear His voice because we’ve tried everything else and we just have to hear Him—because there’s no other solution. And that’s when He becomes our Source—the voice that whispers, ‘You can get up today—you can do this. One step at a time. I am with you.’

Depression is not your “lot in life” nor God’s plan for you. No way! His plan is to give you a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). According to Isaiah 49:16, He’s engraved you on the palms of His hands. And that means, He’s not going to forget you. Even though you’re in the Valley of Depression, He’s with you—by way of His rod and staff, which comfort you—correcting and guiding, making sure you’re headed in the right direction. Because of His great love for you.  As many course-corrections as it takes, He’s willing to go the proverbial “extra mile,” and then some.

No, God didn’t create depression. But He certainly will create pathways through it, and gateways out of it. In the end, you will have a hand to offer someone else who is stuck in the valley—because you will know the way out. So maybe the question shouldn’t be “Why does God allow depression to exist?” but rather “What kind of testimony will I have once I’ve made it to the other side?”

April Apperceptions: Excitement in the Air

Today's writing topic (and the final one of my 30-day challenge): Something you're excited for.

Josiah on the far right, his date, Charis, and friends, Helen and Ryder

Well, today that's an easy one--I'm excited for my son's first formal. This means it's his first time having a date to an event, first time wearing a suit (and shiny black shoes), first time getting to purchase a corsage. The whole nine yards. 

Tonight my Josiah will have the opportunity to be a gentleman--to treat a young lady (who's also his good friend) as the precious, delightful gem she is. To show value, honor, and respect--to think of her as more important than himself, putting his very best foot forward to ensure an enjoyable evening full of laughter and grace. 

Tonight I am proud as I see the boy before me transforming into a man before my very eyes. Offering his arm--as a prince to a princess--as an escort, a friend, a valiant champion. Nobly representing his fellows in the great ball we call growing up.

April Apperceptions: My 21st Birthday

The night of my twenty-first birthday...that seems so long ago.

Well, for one, I was married. Had been for going on three years at that point.

Many consider turning twenty-one a "rite of passage" to legally consume alcohol in public establishments. I had already sampled alcohol before this point--and on our honeymoon, though we were only eighteen and nineteen years old, respectively, we were served champagne at the hotel restaurant where we were honeymooning.

Fast-forward three years down the road. I believe we were living at Witham Hill Apartments in Corvallis. That may have been during the cold spell we had, during which our freezer was accidentally punctured with an ice pack. So we put items in a cooler and set it on the back porch, where it kept quite cold.

If we did have alcohol to celebrate my reaching "drinking age," we may have been chilling it outside in that very cooler. I don't specifically recall, but chances are we may have gone out for a cheap dinner--salad bar perhaps (it was rather a go-to for us in those days), followed by simple alcoholic beverages--with me doing the imbibing, not Byron. He's only developed a taste for certain wines within the last ten years.

I do remember people teasing me and implying that I'd be getting drunk or some such thing, but that was never on my radar--or list of goals. I remember feeling a bit odd that I was now officially in my twenties--instead of just twenty.

I was attending Linn-Benton Community College at the time, taking transfer credits for my education degree. My nights generally consisted of some studying--and dessert. Alcohol wasn't a general commodity, and it wasn't encouraged in the church we were a part of at the time. So I can't be 100% sure that there was any involved in the commemoration of my first twenty-one years of life. But if I could go back to that time, I probably would have gone to Applebee's and ordered a Bahama Mama (I was not to discover those until many years later).

And been carded (which hasn't happened in quite some time). Minus a flux capacitor, we may never know what my twenty-first birthday was actually like. But I do know a couple things. I spent it with the one I love--and I didn't make a fool of myself.

April Apperceptions: The Things I Say

When asked what word or phrase I use constantly, I had to stop and think...what do I say all the time?

I guess it boils down to a few things, rather than just one.

1) "Wow." I say it in response to amazing things people tell me--feats others have done, miracles of God, etc. I also say it sarcastically at times--in the sense of 'I can't believe you just did/said that.'

2) "Maybe/possibly/probably." I'm not a very decisive person, so at least one of these three words rolls off my tongue an awful lot. Also, sometimes if I'm really not sure something will happen (particularly within a specific time period), I don't want to be guilty of giving people false hope.

3) "Mrs. Kephart."As a kindergarten teacher, I've gotten in the habit of referring to myself in third person. When I make a mistake that's sort of funny: Silly Mrs. Kephart. When explaining something new or unexpected I did for the children: You may have noticed that Mrs. Kephart [did such-and-such]. When referring to a desired behavior: Mrs. Kephart really likes it when... In fact, I've used my name so much in this way that one of my kindergartners once asked, "Why do you always talk about yourself in third person?" Yes, a kindergartner! Haha. She had learned the concept from one of her older siblings. Now that I'm more aware, I don't use this form of self-reference as much as I did at the beginning of the school year--but it's still a habit.

Like a teenager, my popular phrases or words of choice tend to go in phases, or fads if you will. They are subject to changes and updates, and sometimes even borrowed from my teenage son. However, though some words and phrases may "pop up" in my vocabulary on a more regular basis than others, I strive for overall variety in the the things I say--and I make an attempt to not be overly annoying by being a broken record.

April Apperceptions: Gray Day

I often wear things that match my mood or that I feel will perk me up somehow.

This morning I felt on the 'blah' side. I wasn't feeling attractive enough to wear anything "cute." Nor did I have the energy to really think it through. So...I went for the old standby pants. They appear tweed-like, though they're just stretchy, comfy material with an elastic waistband to boot--sporting a tiny chevron pattern that is almost unnoticeable.

Only certain tops match this particular pair of pants. I was feeling a bit cold, so I chose my long-sleeved, "fancy," gray t-shirt. It has a sparkly picture of a butterfly on it.

Normally, I would've put on earrings...but I forgot. I did, however, remember to put on socks that matched the sparkly part of my shirt--kind of a turquoise color. And I wore the black casual flats I've been wearing most often of late.

I threw on my denim jacket before heading out the door, as the heater in my car hasn't been working--and remember, I already was feeling cold.

So...it wasn't my most dynamic outfit, but it was comfortable and functional--a winning choice for a worn-out-a-bit Wednesday. Case in point--my kindergartners got an extra-long recess today.

April Apperceptions: Ex Communication

Today's writing challenge topic: Things you'd say to an ex.

Well...when I was in the third grade, I had a "boyfriend." We shared a long-term relationship, for something like three days. Somehow, I began to see some undesirable characteristics. I walked up to him on the playground one day and announced that I was breaking up with him. He looked puzzled, so I offered to give him reasons (which I'd rehearsed several times in my head): "Because you're too short, you're too ugly, and you're too weird." And with those crushing words, I walked off. If I had it to do over again, I probably would've let the poor kid down more gently--but I was inexperienced in such matters.

Now that I am an adult, with many years of relational "expertise" under my belt, I imagine that if I were to see my ex--whom I haven't seen in over twenty-five years--I'd probably express something like the following:

"How are you? I hope you've been well." And if that bit of interaction wasn't too terribly awkward, I'd probably ask what he was doing these days and share a bit about my family. But that would be under the best-case scenario. I have no ill in my heart; nor do I have a desire to re-connect on a permanent basis. But I am sometimes curious--and I hope for the best because I recognize that in spite of the past, God desires the very best for him.

I've come a long way from the too short/ugly/weird days. I believe I would be kind, polite, and cautious--all at the same time. I may never get that chance--or perhaps one day in heaven--but my heart is for a good future for my ex and any almost-exes in my past.

April Apperceptions: My Weirdness Documented

Today my writing challenge is to talk about four weird traits I have. Well, this should be easy. However, to be accurate, I'd best define what a "trait" is. It is "a distinguishing quality or characteristic, typically one belonging to a person." So it's not a habit or preference--but it may be an idiosyncrasy of some sort--which I suppose could include a habit.  "Weird," of course, is all relative. But I shall consider for my weird-ometer those ways in which I differ from most of the people I know.

1) I do not enjoy plants. Sure, I appreciate the beauty of them, but I am beyond un-enthusiastic when it comes to caring for them. I have never been consistent in terms of watering, trimming...basically anything that involves keeping a plant alive. I find it tedious, unpleasant, and frankly too much  work. My dream is to have a personal landscaper and to just enjoy the beauty without any of the work involved to produce it. So I guess you could call this weird trait "botanical loathing."

2) Bent fingers. My middle and pointer fingers on both hands are bent. I was born that way, and it's genetic. My mom's were more bent than mine--and her mother's were bent to an even greater degree.

3) I'm a changer (aka, I pile up laundry quickly). I'm kind of fanatical about sets of clothes. Once I've worn them for at least a couple hours, I consider them "dirty"--and it's rare for me to wear them again. And if I do, you can be certain that I've smelled them first.

4) I like public speaking. Yes, it makes me nervous--but contrary to how that makes most people feel, I actually like it. Most of my friends feel the opposite about public speaking. I've been told that I'm pretty good at it. It's just odd that I can both enjoy it and feel anxious about it at the same time.

And therein lies my special brand of awesomeness, folks.

April Apperceptions: Something I Miss

I read today's writing challenge this morning, thinking that I would need to wait until inspiration finally surfaced. But in the end, I find myself going back to the first thought I had upon reading the challenge topic--"something I miss."

So, here is my profound response...

I miss youth. I miss the lack of adult responsibilities, the lack of gray hair, and the lack of wrinkles (not that I have many yet--but there are some permanent creases). I miss the overall spontaneity my teen years afforded me. I miss the laughter...at nothing. I miss the energy I had.

I miss going to movies with a pack of friends (yes, I can still do so--but there's something about the exuberance of youth that made it a true event in those days).

I miss the relationships I had with some of my junior high and high school teachers. There's something about the rapport with a teacher who likes you that can't be manufactured--or duplicated.

I miss the freedom of weekends spent basically playing, the heaviest "weight" on my back an upcoming typing test. And the freedom to color my hair brightly and wear outrageous outfits without anyone freaking out that I had possibly lost my mind--because, after all, I was young. I could be stylishly impulsive without my sanity being questioned--and I could enjoy it fully.

Yes, I miss the days of my youth. But I also appreciate all that I've gained since. It is normal to have times that we long for "days gone by." We can't go back there. We shouldn't go back there. But...we can certainly treasure the memories, and the glory of a much "lighter" existence.

"Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels, but old men are guilty if they forget what it is to be young." - Albus Dumbledore

April Apperceptions: And I Just Can't Stand...

Today's writing challenge assignment, surprisingly, is for me to write about a family member I don't like. Though there are some I feel more of an affinity with than others, I make it a practice to not dislike family members--using "family" in the broadest blood-relative sense. But...there are some qualities or behaviors that may cause me to desire spending less time with a family member. We'll call these the "family foibles" I just can't stand.

1) Foul language/smut - I am, of course, not above the occasional "bad word" myself--but I don't feel comfortable around those who continually use foul language or have smutty humor.

2) Targeting other family members (i.e., not having anything good to say) - I find it distasteful to hear family members complaining incessantly about other family members.

3) Belittling - It bothers me when family members belittle either their children or spouses. I've witnessed it before, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Nowadays, I'd be more inclined to actually say something--which could, of course, get me in trouble.

4) Judgmental off-hand remarks - Comments that start out with "Maybe you should've...," "I'm surprised you..." (with emphasis on surprised), "We were shocked that you...," "It seems like you would've..."--always with a sarcastic or self-righteous ring to them--are opinions I can live without hearing.

Those are probably the main undesirable happenings in the context of family. I do realize that no one is perfect. But if these indiscretions are present in abundance, they will no doubt contribute to the amount of time I choose to spend with those particular people--family or not. I can, in fact, love someone and not like the way he or she acts.

Overall, I think the items I've mentioned make for a negative atmosphere, I can only control my own behavior--not anyone else's; likewise, the choice of what type of atmosphere I wish to spend time in is also mine. "Family" is a term that suggests value, fun, and even honor. Therefore, I believe time spent with family members should be enjoyable.