It’s been about three
years and three months since my dad went to be with the Lord. For quite a
while, it felt unreal. I tried to journal as much as I could, but mostly I
would just think. These are some of
the thoughts I was able to record. In the midst of my grieving process, I had
the added responsibility of making sure my mom’s needs were being met. I didn’t
do as well at encouraging her as I might have, had I not been in my own
grieving process. But there is comfort in knowing that she is now with my dad
too I share the following because I hope that it may encourage someone else to feel and work through it all at their
own pace. It’s different for every person. But my prayer is that a person who
is grieving may find comfort and validation in my journey.
From entry dated
9/24/09, 15 days after my dad passed away:
Harold Otterlei
encouraged me to journal about the feelings I’m experiencing. To be honest, I
haven’t had a chance to really process much of what I’m feeling. Things have
been so busy. My job is way more intense
than what I thought it would be. It is good in many ways, and I enjoy it, but
it has not allowed me much mental down-time.
>>>
I haven’t had time to
truly breathe, even really grieve. I guess I am in a state of shock, perhaps,
myself. My mom keeps saying that she is still in shock. Maybe I am too. After
all, it seems so unreal in some ways.
>>>
People ask me how I’m
doing. I don’t know how to answer. How am I supposed
to be doing? I am so tired in the brain, I can hardly think.
>>>
Got my dad’s ashes in
a box today—not quite sure how I feel about that. Very sobering. Made me feel a
deeper sense of loss. I wanted to cry, but yet there are so many people
depending on me, I feel like I can’t—like it would be irresponsible.
I don’t know what I
need. I know that my feelings will probably all come flooding to the surface
tomorrow. I want to be strong and make my daddy proud, but I fear I will fall
apart. Either way, though, there are some things I must share—I just hope I
will have the strength to get through it.
>>>
It’s kind of scary to
me, to be alone with my thoughts. I am so used to trying to suppress the
negative ones and rise above to do all that I am supposed to do yet again.
When I read what I
feel, I know I sound sorry for myself. At the beginning, it was the
opposite—but now I am beginning to embrace the idea that I am not truly “okay”
and need people to feel sorry for me.
Maybe that’s good—maybe it’s normal. I hope so.
From entry dated
January 20, 2011:
It’s been over 4
months since my dad passed away. I do miss him. I miss the way he would smile
at me when I came to see him, how he would get excited to tell me things, even
if they didn’t make sense. His smile is something I
definitely won’t forget.
I’ve been wearing the
soft fleece blue plaid PJ pants I got for him. Somehow I feel closer to my dad
when I put them on.
>>>
I think my dad is part
of the reason I have the drive to do a good job at school—teaching. He was
always a hard worker, and in many ways, a teacher himself.
Yes, I miss my dad.
From entry dated
April 23, 2011:
>>>
My dad and I had a
special bond, and I think my patience with him went beyond knowing that he had
Alzheimer’s. I remember times in my life that I got really frustrated or mad at
my dad, but I could never stay mad at
him. He had a way of endearing himself to me and making me laugh so that I just
couldn’t stay angry.
From entry dated
November 10th, 2011:
It’s been slightly
over a year since my dad went to be with the Lord. It has been a long year in
some ways but has gone by quickly in others. I often will recall funny things
and/or standard things (which usually were
funny) that my dad used to say. I notice a lot of him in me, especially now
that he’s no longer here.
>>>
My dad was a source of
stability to my mom and she to him. In some ways, I think he was a source of
stability to me as well—before he got sick. But even after, I’ve
realized—because the things he taught me still stick with me, and the
principles of love and generosity he lived by are a part of me. Now that my dad
is gone, I feel like I need to be the one to encourage and look out for my mom,
and make her laugh the way he used to.
>>>
I hope to honor my dad
in the way that I honor my mom. I know that if he could have expressed it, he
would have wanted that.
Entry 1/14/14:
It has become “normal”
for my dad to be in Heaven. And I don’t feel the deep sadness anymore when I
think about him. I feel glad that I’ll see him again, and I tend to recall the
more pleasant memories, not the difficult ones. Part of me wishes that my dad
was here—in his fully healed form—to be an active grandpa to my kids. But I
know that he’s proud of them and I’m thankful for the time he did get to be a grandpa. I’ll always
miss my dad, but my burden has been lifted. My heart doesn’t ache and lament
like it once did—rethinking everything. I can accept my dad’s graduation into
Eternity, and I now experience moments of joy in thinking about my dad. I catch
myself smiling as I recall a memory or just think about how entertaining Heaven
must be with him there.
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