Thursday Thoughts for Parents: Rest From Regret

I usually entitle my Thursday post "Thursday Thoughts for Moms," but I feel this one can apply well to the heart of either parent. I am preaching to the choir with it, as I have had many parental regrets--it seems one tends to have more, the older one's kids become. But we can't just live there. I hope that those of you who may have experienced such regrets will find some healing balm from the Lord as you read this blog.

As a mom, I feel I’ve had some shining moments, but there are those others—the ones you never really seem to forget because you wish you’d handled them differently. Perhaps you hurt your kids in the process and created a need for healing in their hearts. It’s hard, as a parent, not to have some regrets—that our mistakes and blunders have brought struggles into their lives that they wouldn’t have had otherwise. But what do we do with those?

First of all, I think we pray—ask the Lord to show us the steps. Then, we have to go to our kids and seek reconciliation. The fear in doing that is that any damage we’ve done will be greater than we thought and/or that our kids won’t be able to forgive us for those things.

As I was pondering the weight of this topic, I was put in mind of the prodigal son’s father. When your child exhibits foolishness and even blatant sinful rebellion, you tend to wonder where you went wrong—or perhaps you know where you went wrong. I imagine that’s how the wayward son’s dad must have felt. He must’ve spent some sleepless nights in heartache and prayer over his son. Who knows if but the father felt he had somehow driven him to some of this behavior, however unintentionally?

We know from Scripture that the son turned around and was repentant, but I wonder if maybe the father changed as much or more during his absence. Perhaps it was an opportunity for him to re-evaluate some of the things he’d said and done and focus on what really mattered—his love for his boy. Could it be that when Peter says “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (I Peter 4:8), he was thinking of this kind of love? The kind that doesn’t focus on what our kids do but on how much they matter. And I would add—do we love our kids enough to let that love cover our sins as well? To not live in a place of regret where we will unavoidably, subconsciously even, withdraw in some ways from our children. We will reason—even if we’re not aware that we are— that it’s because we don’t want to hurt them in some way, repeat the mistakes of the past.  

Certainly, there are times for pulling back as a parent, but the distance should never be permanent.  Sometimes we may need to reconnect differently, but if we only stay in that place of regret, we imprison ourselves from being the kind of parents it has always been God’s heart for us to be. In Isaiah 43, God is gathering His children and encourages them in this way--may it be an encouragement to us as parents: “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” When we dwell on past mistakes, it keeps us from moving forward. If your relationship with one or more of your children feels like there is a dark shadow over it, allow God to make a way—to bring life to that relationship. To redeem the past.

Perhaps you’ve made so many mistakes you feel like “a bad parent.” God sees your heart, and He sees all the good things you have sown into your children. Ask Him to help you to recall and recognize those things. Continue to sow those things. The Bible promises, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)  Don’t allow your mistakes to erase blessing. The worst thing a parent can do is to give up. Martha was “concerned about many things,” and so she missed out on what Jesus had for her. Don’t busy yourself needlessly—for some of us, that can be a way of trying to “make up” for the past, trying to do all the good we can to sort of compensate. Instead, take time to sit at Jesus’ feet and gain His perspective. He wants nothing more than the very best for both you and your children.

But what if it just seems too late? It’s never too late to pray. It’s never too late to love. In the words of Stephen Arterburn, author of Regret-Free Living (which offers some great practical advice, by the way), “If you’re seeking to heal an important relationship that’s broken, remember: “We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (Romans 8:28).”

You cannot go back and fix it, but you can ask God to make rivers in the desert. He entrusted these children to you—entrust them back to Him. Where you are weak, He is strong. Give Him those burdens of the past that weigh your heart down, so that you can find rest. Jeremiah 6:16 says, ““Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.” God has a “good way” for you as a parent, but you must choose to walk in it. It may be unfamiliar, it may be hard, it may be long—but in it, you will find rest for your soul so that you can continue to fulfill your parental calling in the power of His Spirit.