Inner Me

 

First of all, I’m not talking about finding “the inner me” through some spiritual quest involving shrines or lots of candles. I want to convey a bit of who I am inside—who God created me to be and some of the thought processes I have that others may not have or consider, because I am uniquely me.

I enjoyed reading as a kid—but mostly because I was good at it. Words came naturally to me. So naturally, in fact, that the moment I discovered I could put words together to create pictures, moods, and events, I was off and running—or writing, to be more accurate. And I’ve never stopped. Anyone who knows me understands that it’s my first love.

Often, I’ll lie down to go to sleep and rhymes start formulating in my head, sometimes on a topic I’ve been thinking about and sometimes on a random topic, seemingly out of nowhere. I have gotten in the habit of jotting it down in a journal or typing it into Notes on my phone. I don’t want to lose what clearly comes to me in moments of inspiration.

I have, at virtually all times—in my head—several things happening at once.

·        Back Burner - I have a list of things that need to be done that is “on the back burner;” I am always aware of these and wanting to see them accomplished, but I know they have to stay back there for the sake of sanity.

·        Front Burner - Likewise, I have a list on the front burner, items that I am actively working on—or should be. If it’s a “should be,” it is often sitting in a pot on that burner but not being turned on. I see it constantly, but I’m procrastinating about turning on the heat.

·        Percolator - While all this is happening, I have a virtual percolator of creativity constantly plugged in and brewing. In fact, sometimes it’s bubbling over!

·        Conversation App - Also in my mind, I have a sort of “conversation app.” That’s the part that rehashes past conversations and formulates hypothetical ones, as well as constructs actual ones I want or plan to have.

·        Long-term Dreams - Then there are the long-term dreams—which I imagine coming to fruition—and my mind plays these scenarios out in several ways, as if on a stage.

·        Relationships – “Relationships” is another brain sector that’s constantly on. I’m always thinking about these and generating ways they can be improved, enhanced, and appreciated.

·        God - There’s a special place for God in my head that I try to allow to spill into all the other areas—and I talk to Him silently a lot, though it doesn’t feel silent to me.

·        Evaluation Center - On top of all of this, there is an “evaluation center,” constantly sending our reports on my performance in all these areas and waiting for my final response—whether logical, emotional, well-balanced, indifferent, etc.

Those are just a few things I have going on at any given moment. I have learned how to make some of my brain’s “functions” quieter at times, so that I can focus on the task or experience at hand. It is difficult. Possibly a bit like the following poem.

The things I do today aren’t necessarily musts,

But if they are musts to me, I’ll let others gather dust.

I know I can’t do it all, but I always wish I could.

But would the wheels still turn then—or be like solid wood?

No wonder there is angst in me, as duties pull and tug.

But also…I am a writer—so I give a sigh and shrug.

It’s like my brain’s a pharmacy, and orders come in all day long.

I have to concoct the prescriptions so they’re not too weak or too strong.

Sometimes there is a backlog—accompanied by calls of complaint.

At other times, I’m efficient, and customers think I’m a saint.

But as in any pharmacy, some errors slip by unchecked—

And when this happens, it’s dangerous—there may be side effects.

So, always there’s a trouble-shoot that’s waiting to be employed

And leaves the evaluation department particularly annoyed.

But if orders are on time and the accuracy is on point,

This mental pharmacy can be a pretty awesome joint.