Real Life: Knowing God

Life is full of decisions—choices. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier if you never made choices—because then no one could be disappointed in or upset by those choices. If you never asked questions or disagreed with anyone else’s decisions, well that too would seem simpler. But it also means you could never get confirmation on any communications—you’d have to just make assumptions, which of course can lead to all kinds of problems. But if you never disagreed, well then whatever assumption you made wouldn’t bother you anyway…right?

Unfortunately…wrong. That’s not real life. In real life, people have feelings, agendas, shortcomings, and even let you down. Even not making a choice is a choice. Like you, others make their own inaccurate assumptions. They often make poor choices. As a whole, people—and any dealings amongst them—are an awkwardly orchestrated mess…yet full of inexplicable moments of great beauty.

Yes, people are a frustrating bunch. But without embracing the mess, there is no beauty. That’s what God did for us. He scooped us up in His arms and said, “My choice is to love you and call you my own.” He saw the beauty in each one of us, in spite of our sin. He counted us worth any “trouble” we might be, even to the point of death. In fact, He made us heirs of everything He possesses.

Certainly, we can hurt one another with our choices. We can be selfish, insensitive, callous, and cruel. It is important that we understand the impact of our decisions on others. But most of all—we need to be concerned with the one individual whose opinion matters most of all.

And He says: “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31). Sometimes we don’t even know how we want to be treated. And that’s why it’s so important to have our identity founded in Christ. If we know who we are, we’ll know how we should be treated—and therefore, how to treat others. Know who you are—so you can more effectively know others.

You see—decisions, choices, dealing with people—it all boils down to knowing yourself. Your real, God-created, destined-from-before-time self. And you can only know that in relation to Him. He formed your “inward parts” and “knit [you] together” in your mother’s womb (see Psalm 139:13)! No one knows you better!

The closer you get to the Lord, the more you will learn how He sees you. And the confidence of that relationship will guide your steps in the direction God has ordained for you. It will be part of the light He sheds on your life as you know Him more and more. As He speaks His Word of promise over your life, you will begin to partner together, declaring that “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path” (Psalm 119:105). That is the surest security for any decision we must make, whether gigantic or minute.

Learn His character. Learn His Father’s heart. Learn the path, step by step. Learn to trust Him. He knows the end from the beginning. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). Beautiful relationships, growth opportunities—even relational challenges await. But there is a hopeful swath of God’s great love painted over even your darkest day—a gentle reminder that He is there, guiding your steps, teaching you to walk in a way that also spreads love wherever you go—because your very nature is found in Him.

This Little Piggy

I’m going to be a grandmother! Now there’s a sentence that seemed so far from ever gracing my lips just a few short years ago. I have some vivid memories of my years with little kids as a mom; I wonder—will it be the same with my grandchild—and down the road (hopefully) grandchildren?

I imagine lots of rocking, helping pudgy fingers fit plastic geometric shapes into matching holes, finger-paint adventures…even that long-awaited sequel, Baby Food, Revisited. I picture having more photos of my grandkids hanging around the house than I ever had of my own children; impulse buys; “stations” set up in my house to cater to the interests and needs of the little one (like the changing table currently holding a prominent place in the closet of my craft room).

I hope that I will be fun—and suspect that I may even be more fun than I was with my kids in their growing-up years. I may just be destined to turn into one of those silly grandmas, like my mom was—and she thoroughly enjoyed it too.

I envision eliciting giggles, supervising bath-time with lots of floaty friends (motivating me to keep the bathtub clean as a whistle), and having “special” cups and dishes at Grandma’s house.

I am excited to learn this little one’s personality—what he or she loves or hates, values or disregards, collects or abandons. Will my grandchild be artistically inclined, an avid reader, athletic? So many questions to be answered and avenues to explore. And I hope to be a big part of the exploration.

I didn’t have grandparents who were super involved in my day-to-day happenings—and I desire something completely different with my first grandchild—and any grandchildren yet to come. I want to cultivate a grandparent-grandchild relationship that is unsurpassed in its levels of connection, love, and trust. When that little voice wants to tell me something, I want to be fully present, engaged, and showing the utmost interest. I want games like “This Little Piggy” to not just be a silly song—but a heartfelt shared event that cannot be experienced in quite the same way among any other people in the universe except us two. I want to know my grandchild—and likewise, be known.

I expect that this precious little one will sometimes exasperate me, tire me, or otherwise push against my limits, but in my mind and heart the joy that is to come far outweighs any of the momentary struggles.

So here’s to dirty diapers, spitting out unwanted mash, throwing spoons on the floor, and even causing a scene at the mall. I will be stocking up on hugs and kisses, songs and stories, picking outfits and picking flowers. I am all in. I can’t wait to see your face, little cherub. Be prepared—I plan to be the best stinkin’ grandma around!

Why Does God Allow Depression?

I used to ask myself that question many times. When you’re chronically depressed, you see the world differently than other people. A mildly disappointing event—like being a few minutes late to where you were going due to heavy traffic—can be a “sign” that things are, in fact, working against you. If taken to its extreme, that line of thinking leads to the conclusion that God doesn’t really care about you. If He did, He certainly wouldn’t allow you to go on suffering every day. Your own mind wouldn’t be your enemy. You wouldn’t be such a screwed-up mess—with relationships you hold at a distance in order to try and contain that mess that is your life.

I may not have an easily-packaged answer as to why God allows depression to exist. But there are a couple things I know to be true: 1) God doesn’t represent depression—He’s not in favor of it, He doesn’t condone it, and it’s not His plan for anyone. 2) God represents the exact opposite—Caring. Hope. Love. “God is light; in him there is no darkness at all” (I John 1:5)—if God is light, He can’t be a part of depression, because depression represents darkness—that place of discouragement, hopelessness, and even utter contempt for life.

But even though He’s not a part of the darkness, He will be with you in your darkness—He will be shining His light and showing you the way out. God’s light is so bright that you can’t help but see it—or at least perceive that it’s there. The problem is that you think you can’t possibly get to it, or that for you it simply won’t work—there’s no solution to your depression. So it seems “safe,” inevitable, even right for you to stay immersed in it.

Your depression is not a problem for God—though the enemy would like you to believe that; he’d like you to think that God has got to be utterly disappointed in you and not willing to waste any more time trying to get you out of depression. And if God’s disappointed, well then why should you bother to hold out any hope for yourself? The Lord says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3). His love doesn’t run out on us, and His kindness does not fail. He will keep loving us and being kind to us no matter what. Depression cannot separate you from His love; nothing can! “…neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).

One more thing I know (we’ll call this number 3)—God shows His love in a variety of ways. 

Sometimes what may not look like love to you at the time actually, undoubtedly is—and you’re certain to realize it later on down the road. Sometimes His love looks like isolation—but His goal really isn’t to isolate you—it’s to get you to look to Him. Jesus holds the keys of sin and death—and if He’s got all that, well, He’s got the keys to depression too. Sometimes when He offers us keys, though, we don’t recognize them as keys at the time—they may appear to be more of a hammer or a hairbrush, something to knock us over the head or to merely meet a physical need. Later on, when we look back, we can see how our good Father was orchestrating everything for our good.

So why does God not just whisk depression away? He certainly could—but He also sees the bigger picture. And I think that most of the time, when He looks at that picture, He likes to see us leaning on Him. And we learn to do that in the quiet place, when we are able to hear His voice because we’ve tried everything else and we just have to hear Him—because there’s no other solution. And that’s when He becomes our Source—the voice that whispers, ‘You can get up today—you can do this. One step at a time. I am with you.’

Depression is not your “lot in life” nor God’s plan for you. No way! His plan is to give you a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). According to Isaiah 49:16, He’s engraved you on the palms of His hands. And that means, He’s not going to forget you. Even though you’re in the Valley of Depression, He’s with you—by way of His rod and staff, which comfort you—correcting and guiding, making sure you’re headed in the right direction. Because of His great love for you.  As many course-corrections as it takes, He’s willing to go the proverbial “extra mile,” and then some.

No, God didn’t create depression. But He certainly will create pathways through it, and gateways out of it. In the end, you will have a hand to offer someone else who is stuck in the valley—because you will know the way out. So maybe the question shouldn’t be “Why does God allow depression to exist?” but rather “What kind of testimony will I have once I’ve made it to the other side?”

April Apperceptions: Excitement in the Air

Today's writing topic (and the final one of my 30-day challenge): Something you're excited for.

Josiah on the far right, his date, Charis, and friends, Helen and Ryder

Well, today that's an easy one--I'm excited for my son's first formal. This means it's his first time having a date to an event, first time wearing a suit (and shiny black shoes), first time getting to purchase a corsage. The whole nine yards. 

Tonight my Josiah will have the opportunity to be a gentleman--to treat a young lady (who's also his good friend) as the precious, delightful gem she is. To show value, honor, and respect--to think of her as more important than himself, putting his very best foot forward to ensure an enjoyable evening full of laughter and grace. 

Tonight I am proud as I see the boy before me transforming into a man before my very eyes. Offering his arm--as a prince to a princess--as an escort, a friend, a valiant champion. Nobly representing his fellows in the great ball we call growing up.

April Apperceptions: My 21st Birthday

The night of my twenty-first birthday...that seems so long ago.

Well, for one, I was married. Had been for going on three years at that point.

Many consider turning twenty-one a "rite of passage" to legally consume alcohol in public establishments. I had already sampled alcohol before this point--and on our honeymoon, though we were only eighteen and nineteen years old, respectively, we were served champagne at the hotel restaurant where we were honeymooning.

Fast-forward three years down the road. I believe we were living at Witham Hill Apartments in Corvallis. That may have been during the cold spell we had, during which our freezer was accidentally punctured with an ice pack. So we put items in a cooler and set it on the back porch, where it kept quite cold.

If we did have alcohol to celebrate my reaching "drinking age," we may have been chilling it outside in that very cooler. I don't specifically recall, but chances are we may have gone out for a cheap dinner--salad bar perhaps (it was rather a go-to for us in those days), followed by simple alcoholic beverages--with me doing the imbibing, not Byron. He's only developed a taste for certain wines within the last ten years.

I do remember people teasing me and implying that I'd be getting drunk or some such thing, but that was never on my radar--or list of goals. I remember feeling a bit odd that I was now officially in my twenties--instead of just twenty.

I was attending Linn-Benton Community College at the time, taking transfer credits for my education degree. My nights generally consisted of some studying--and dessert. Alcohol wasn't a general commodity, and it wasn't encouraged in the church we were a part of at the time. So I can't be 100% sure that there was any involved in the commemoration of my first twenty-one years of life. But if I could go back to that time, I probably would have gone to Applebee's and ordered a Bahama Mama (I was not to discover those until many years later).

And been carded (which hasn't happened in quite some time). Minus a flux capacitor, we may never know what my twenty-first birthday was actually like. But I do know a couple things. I spent it with the one I love--and I didn't make a fool of myself.

April Apperceptions: The Things I Say

When asked what word or phrase I use constantly, I had to stop and think...what do I say all the time?

I guess it boils down to a few things, rather than just one.

1) "Wow." I say it in response to amazing things people tell me--feats others have done, miracles of God, etc. I also say it sarcastically at times--in the sense of 'I can't believe you just did/said that.'

2) "Maybe/possibly/probably." I'm not a very decisive person, so at least one of these three words rolls off my tongue an awful lot. Also, sometimes if I'm really not sure something will happen (particularly within a specific time period), I don't want to be guilty of giving people false hope.

3) "Mrs. Kephart."As a kindergarten teacher, I've gotten in the habit of referring to myself in third person. When I make a mistake that's sort of funny: Silly Mrs. Kephart. When explaining something new or unexpected I did for the children: You may have noticed that Mrs. Kephart [did such-and-such]. When referring to a desired behavior: Mrs. Kephart really likes it when... In fact, I've used my name so much in this way that one of my kindergartners once asked, "Why do you always talk about yourself in third person?" Yes, a kindergartner! Haha. She had learned the concept from one of her older siblings. Now that I'm more aware, I don't use this form of self-reference as much as I did at the beginning of the school year--but it's still a habit.

Like a teenager, my popular phrases or words of choice tend to go in phases, or fads if you will. They are subject to changes and updates, and sometimes even borrowed from my teenage son. However, though some words and phrases may "pop up" in my vocabulary on a more regular basis than others, I strive for overall variety in the the things I say--and I make an attempt to not be overly annoying by being a broken record.

April Apperceptions: Gray Day

I often wear things that match my mood or that I feel will perk me up somehow.

This morning I felt on the 'blah' side. I wasn't feeling attractive enough to wear anything "cute." Nor did I have the energy to really think it through. So...I went for the old standby pants. They appear tweed-like, though they're just stretchy, comfy material with an elastic waistband to boot--sporting a tiny chevron pattern that is almost unnoticeable.

Only certain tops match this particular pair of pants. I was feeling a bit cold, so I chose my long-sleeved, "fancy," gray t-shirt. It has a sparkly picture of a butterfly on it.

Normally, I would've put on earrings...but I forgot. I did, however, remember to put on socks that matched the sparkly part of my shirt--kind of a turquoise color. And I wore the black casual flats I've been wearing most often of late.

I threw on my denim jacket before heading out the door, as the heater in my car hasn't been working--and remember, I already was feeling cold.

So...it wasn't my most dynamic outfit, but it was comfortable and functional--a winning choice for a worn-out-a-bit Wednesday. Case in point--my kindergartners got an extra-long recess today.

April Apperceptions: Ex Communication

Today's writing challenge topic: Things you'd say to an ex.

Well...when I was in the third grade, I had a "boyfriend." We shared a long-term relationship, for something like three days. Somehow, I began to see some undesirable characteristics. I walked up to him on the playground one day and announced that I was breaking up with him. He looked puzzled, so I offered to give him reasons (which I'd rehearsed several times in my head): "Because you're too short, you're too ugly, and you're too weird." And with those crushing words, I walked off. If I had it to do over again, I probably would've let the poor kid down more gently--but I was inexperienced in such matters.

Now that I am an adult, with many years of relational "expertise" under my belt, I imagine that if I were to see my ex--whom I haven't seen in over twenty-five years--I'd probably express something like the following:

"How are you? I hope you've been well." And if that bit of interaction wasn't too terribly awkward, I'd probably ask what he was doing these days and share a bit about my family. But that would be under the best-case scenario. I have no ill in my heart; nor do I have a desire to re-connect on a permanent basis. But I am sometimes curious--and I hope for the best because I recognize that in spite of the past, God desires the very best for him.

I've come a long way from the too short/ugly/weird days. I believe I would be kind, polite, and cautious--all at the same time. I may never get that chance--or perhaps one day in heaven--but my heart is for a good future for my ex and any almost-exes in my past.

April Apperceptions: My Weirdness Documented

Today my writing challenge is to talk about four weird traits I have. Well, this should be easy. However, to be accurate, I'd best define what a "trait" is. It is "a distinguishing quality or characteristic, typically one belonging to a person." So it's not a habit or preference--but it may be an idiosyncrasy of some sort--which I suppose could include a habit.  "Weird," of course, is all relative. But I shall consider for my weird-ometer those ways in which I differ from most of the people I know.

1) I do not enjoy plants. Sure, I appreciate the beauty of them, but I am beyond un-enthusiastic when it comes to caring for them. I have never been consistent in terms of watering, trimming...basically anything that involves keeping a plant alive. I find it tedious, unpleasant, and frankly too much  work. My dream is to have a personal landscaper and to just enjoy the beauty without any of the work involved to produce it. So I guess you could call this weird trait "botanical loathing."

2) Bent fingers. My middle and pointer fingers on both hands are bent. I was born that way, and it's genetic. My mom's were more bent than mine--and her mother's were bent to an even greater degree.

3) I'm a changer (aka, I pile up laundry quickly). I'm kind of fanatical about sets of clothes. Once I've worn them for at least a couple hours, I consider them "dirty"--and it's rare for me to wear them again. And if I do, you can be certain that I've smelled them first.

4) I like public speaking. Yes, it makes me nervous--but contrary to how that makes most people feel, I actually like it. Most of my friends feel the opposite about public speaking. I've been told that I'm pretty good at it. It's just odd that I can both enjoy it and feel anxious about it at the same time.

And therein lies my special brand of awesomeness, folks.

April Apperceptions: Something I Miss

I read today's writing challenge this morning, thinking that I would need to wait until inspiration finally surfaced. But in the end, I find myself going back to the first thought I had upon reading the challenge topic--"something I miss."

So, here is my profound response...

I miss youth. I miss the lack of adult responsibilities, the lack of gray hair, and the lack of wrinkles (not that I have many yet--but there are some permanent creases). I miss the overall spontaneity my teen years afforded me. I miss the laughter...at nothing. I miss the energy I had.

I miss going to movies with a pack of friends (yes, I can still do so--but there's something about the exuberance of youth that made it a true event in those days).

I miss the relationships I had with some of my junior high and high school teachers. There's something about the rapport with a teacher who likes you that can't be manufactured--or duplicated.

I miss the freedom of weekends spent basically playing, the heaviest "weight" on my back an upcoming typing test. And the freedom to color my hair brightly and wear outrageous outfits without anyone freaking out that I had possibly lost my mind--because, after all, I was young. I could be stylishly impulsive without my sanity being questioned--and I could enjoy it fully.

Yes, I miss the days of my youth. But I also appreciate all that I've gained since. It is normal to have times that we long for "days gone by." We can't go back there. We shouldn't go back there. But...we can certainly treasure the memories, and the glory of a much "lighter" existence.

"Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels, but old men are guilty if they forget what it is to be young." - Albus Dumbledore

April Apperceptions: And I Just Can't Stand...

Today's writing challenge assignment, surprisingly, is for me to write about a family member I don't like. Though there are some I feel more of an affinity with than others, I make it a practice to not dislike family members--using "family" in the broadest blood-relative sense. But...there are some qualities or behaviors that may cause me to desire spending less time with a family member. We'll call these the "family foibles" I just can't stand.

1) Foul language/smut - I am, of course, not above the occasional "bad word" myself--but I don't feel comfortable around those who continually use foul language or have smutty humor.

2) Targeting other family members (i.e., not having anything good to say) - I find it distasteful to hear family members complaining incessantly about other family members.

3) Belittling - It bothers me when family members belittle either their children or spouses. I've witnessed it before, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Nowadays, I'd be more inclined to actually say something--which could, of course, get me in trouble.

4) Judgmental off-hand remarks - Comments that start out with "Maybe you should've...," "I'm surprised you..." (with emphasis on surprised), "We were shocked that you...," "It seems like you would've..."--always with a sarcastic or self-righteous ring to them--are opinions I can live without hearing.

Those are probably the main undesirable happenings in the context of family. I do realize that no one is perfect. But if these indiscretions are present in abundance, they will no doubt contribute to the amount of time I choose to spend with those particular people--family or not. I can, in fact, love someone and not like the way he or she acts.

Overall, I think the items I've mentioned make for a negative atmosphere, I can only control my own behavior--not anyone else's; likewise, the choice of what type of atmosphere I wish to spend time in is also mine. "Family" is a term that suggests value, fun, and even honor. Therefore, I believe time spent with family members should be enjoyable.

April Apperceptions: What's in a Morning?

My morning routine probably isn't that different from many people's.

I groan at the sound of the alarm, use the bathroom, and often lie back down for twenty minutes or more. Then I get up (reluctantly but now with a certain urgency), turn on the light (after warning my husband that I'm about to do so), and find something to wear (some days this takes longer than others).

I take a shower, dry off, get dressed, then put on a bit of make-up. I choose a bit of jewelry, decide what shoes to put on (there aren't many choices), and try to do something with my too-quickly-growing (and graying) hair.

I give myself a final inspection and advance to the kitchen, where I may or may not have packed a lunch the night before. If I haven't, I grab a few items as quickly as I can while checking the clock for quickly evaporating minutes.

I grab my purse, keys, food, and begin to rush out the door. I generally have to go back to my room for something--such as my phone and/or cough drops. Before heading out the door, I say goodbye to Jos and tell him to have a good day.

I get in the car and start the engine. If there's gum in the car, I usually pop a piece in my mouth and turn on the radio--unless it's a remarkably fortunate day and I happen to be drinking coffee--or even more fortunate, I have the time and money to stop for coffee on the way.

Halfway to work, I "wake up" a bit and begin thanking God for my day and asking for His help regarding all that needs to be accomplished, kids who may have a rocky start to the day--and the energy needed to complete my tasks with excellence. I pray for those who are on my heart--needs that are highlighted in my spirit.

Finally, I pull in at my school, park, and let out a "here we go" sigh before heading in. I remind myself that God is with me and that I love my job, so there is nothing to feel uneasy about. It's not every day that I need this reminder--but often. And the more time that passes, the more thankful I am that my day began in the first place.

April Apperceptions: I Don't Put Much Stock in These Things, But...

My mom used to be a bit fascinated by the Zodiac signs, though she wasn't a habitual horoscope-reader. Mostly, she was entertained by the fact that she was a Taurus and that people should stay out of her way if she was ever "fired up." 

Astrology is defined as "the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on human affairs and the natural world." Though I don't buy into the planets controlling our emotions and things, I do believe that God set up the universe to have everything be interrelated. The weather has an effect on our emotions, so what's to say other things don't? But I don't put stock in horoscopes. I'd rather ask the Lord what's in store for me. But could God speak through a horoscope if He wanted to? He could--and because the Holy Spirit lives in me, I'd most likely know it was Him highlighting something. Enough said on that.

My birthday is February 11th, so I am an Aquarius, according to astrological phenomena. As I read online: "Aquarius-born are shy and quiet , but on the other hand they can be eccentric and energetic. However, in both cases, they are deep thinkers and highly intellectual people who love helping others. They are able to see without prejudice, on both sides, which makes them people who can easily solve problems."

I would agree that I tend to be quiet--and a bit shy--but I do love people, and that pushes me outside my comfort zone. I have been called "eccentric" before--not necessarily "energetic" though. I am, admittedly, a deep thinker. And I look at others with a default to mercy; I make an effort to rid my heart of judgmental attitudes. 

To continue with the description: "Although they can easily adapt to the energy that surrounds them, Aquarius-born have a deep need to be some time alone and away from everything, in order to restore power. People born under the Aquarius sign, look at the world as a place full of possibilities.

Aquarius is an air sign, and as such, uses his mind at every opportunity. If there is no mental stimulation, they are bored and lack a motivation to achieve the best result."

I have to say, I do need my solitary recharge time--and getting away from it all is very important to me at certain times. I don't know if I'm as optimistic as all that, but I do value using my mind--maybe more than is advisable for my own good.

Skipping to the summary found at http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/: "The biggest problem for Aquarius-born is the feeling that they are limited or constrained. Because of the desire for freedom and equality for all, they will always strive to ensure freedom of speech and movement. Aquarius-born have a reputation for being cold and insensitive persons, but this is just their defence mechanism against premature intimacy. They need to learn to trust others and express their emotions in a healthy way."

Admittedly, intimacy hasn't been an automatic pursuit in my life--but I've grown in my ability to develop intimate relationships. I've never been categorized (that I know of) as cold or insensitive, but I know that I can be at times--as a defense, like it says--not because it's what's truly in my heart. 

So, I guess I would say that astrology holds some truth as to my character and outlook on life, but God is the one who put all these things in motion. So the credit ultimately goes to Him for the way I was made and how I function.

April Apperceptions: The Music in My Head

Today's writing challenge instructed me to set my music player on "shuffle" and list the three songs that first come up, along with my initial thoughts. I don't really use a music player--hardly ever even use Pandora, so...I turned on one of my favorite stations, 97.1, Charlie FM. The first song that played was "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure. The lyrics "Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick" immediately made me think of a recent conversation with a friend about me knowing things that haven't actually been told to me--and how I know them. I explained that sometimes I just "sense" things, an explanation that drives my friend a bit batty.

The next song that came on, I didn't even recognize--nor could I understand the words. So I logged in to 106.7 FM, The Eagle. The first song was "Sister Golden Hair" by America, which starts out: "Well I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so damn depressed that I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed." Being sick for several days has been a bit depressing, and since I have notified my boss that I won't be making it in tomorrow...I am officially setting my sights on Monday. Which may also require a trip in to the school this weekend to fetch some textbooks for lesson planning.

Next song up: Prince's "1999"--not surprising, since he has now passed away. So my first thought was really of his passing, followed by thoughts of my friend Wendie, who always liked his music...which brings back semi-fond memories of a sleepover at her house, during which we watched Purple Rain and the other girls conspired to soak an important undergarment of mine in water and freeze it into oblivion. 

So...intuition...illness...irritation...thus ends my music association experiment.

April Apperceptions: The Fearsome Five

I could say that with God on my side there is nothing to fear, which is true--or even "...do not fear, for I am with you" (Isaiah 41:10), God's own words. But I would be lying if I said that I never have any fear. Certainly, I seek to not fear, and when I recognize fear I generally send it packing. But fears come all the same.

Some fears are more general and aren't at the forefront all the time--like the fear of death. But others are more specific, like a fear of going outside--something one has to deal with daily. Still other fears are relatively innocuous unless the heat of a situation is "turned up," so to speak. For example, if someone is afraid of spiders he or she might just avoid them, yet not run in fear every time one is spotted. But...if that same person was enclosed with a great number of spiders, that might be a different story--the fear would be intensified.

So here are some of my fears (five, to be exact), from more ethereal to those that I have to battle on a regular basis.

1. Fear of being beheaded. - No, this isn't one I think of very often. But when I think about things worsening in our world, according to Scripture, it is something that crosses my mind.

2. Fear of drowning. - This one is almost a rational fear--since I'm not a water person and consequently not a very good swimmer.

3. Fear of rejection/scorn. - This mostly has to do with obeying the Lord and/or sharing about Him and possibly being rejected (or having the message rejected at least), which I have experienced. It's not pleasant, but it seems to be survivable. Still, I fear it. In the moments when I am able to step beyond those fears though, I give God room to do great things.

4. Fear of not being a good friend. - This is one I've had for years. I do believe that I'm a good friend. For a long time though, I wasn't sure. I had a fear that I would always screw up and not be the kind of friend I should--that I would hurt people I cared about in the process. The enemy tried to get me to believe that I shouldn't make friends at all. But even though it was hard, I held onto the tenuous belief that I could be a good friend and that God wanted me to have close relationships. But every once in a while...the enemy catches hold of my old insecurities and whispers the lie that I'm not a good friend. And that's when I have a choice to believe God or believe Satan.

5. Fear of the future. - This one is actually the one I seem to battle the most. It's one big fear made up of many interrelated ones, each significant in its own way yet magnified if too much focus is given to the fear surrounding it. For example, I fear some of my kids living out their days not serving God; losing my husband to a premature death; never accomplishing my dreams; never knowing what it's like to not struggle financially or relationally.

So what do I do with these fears? Well, obviously at times I entertain them. But I have an advantage--God's truth. And when I compare these fears to what He has to say--they lose their power. Even if some of these things were to come to pass, God is still God--and He's still good. His love reaches beyond my deepest, darkest fears and knocks them for a loop.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (I John 4:18). The best, most secure place I can be is immersed in the Father's great love for me. It's in that place that I am comforted, empowered, strengthened--even hidden. And as long as fears come--which they shall--it's what I'll keep on choosing.

April Apperceptions: Color of Joy

My favorite color hasn't always been the same. When I was little, I fancied pink and blue (like my mom). As a teen, I began to like all shades of purple. Then I switched to pink, which was featured prominently in my wedding in 1987. In my early married days, I decided I liked hunter green--and even had a coffee pot that color. Years later, I still loved that color--and even began embracing other shades of green. Then came my fascination with dark cranberry red.

When I began to notice the vintage craze of the early 2000's, I decided that turquoise was my absolute favorite color--and different shades of it too. It went really well with the shabby chic look--and it made me feel happy inside. I'm sure there's a deeper psychological explanation, but that's the simple truth--turquoise brings me joy. There's just something about it that flips a happy switch in my brain; I find myself drawn to turquoise things. Granted, it may not always be my favorite color--but for the phase of life I'm currently in, it's a superb means of peppering my life with little bits of joy.

 

April Apperceptions: A Life-directing Quote

A quote I try to live by comes from the Bible. It says, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you,..." (Matthew 7:12a; also found in Luke 6:31). A common version of this verse, reflecting the same principle, is "Treat others the way you want to be treated."

Therefore:

• I make an effort not to judge, lest I be judged according to the same measure (Matthew 7:1-2). 
• I try to be a good listener.
• I challenge the people I care about and endeavor to speak the truth to them in an encouraging, building-up way.
• I share my opinions but try not to do so in an arrogant way. But...I try not to give unwanted advice--unless a person has given me permission to speak into his/her life and I feel it is warranted and/or essential.
• I pray for others.
• I encourage others in their pursuit of a deeper relationship with God.
• I attempt to keep in contact with good friends.
• I share (by way of wisdom) both my successes and my failures.
• I give gifts (whenever possible).
• I encourage my loved ones' dreams and goals.
• I urge those I love to pursue areas of gifting and talent.
• I share my giftings and talents with others.
• I am honest.
• I set needed boundaries (at least, I try to).
• I practice unconditional love and acceptance (I say "practice" because I'm definitely not perfect at it).
• I look for ways to minister to those in need (I think I can improve a lot on this one).
• I sympathize, empathize, and identify with others whenever possible--sometimes this means carrying burdens with them too.

I am reminded as I write this of the many, many people who have been and continue to be all these things to me. I am thankful for love being shown to me so that I can continue to love others well--which brings me to another great quote (i.e., passage) to end on, for it is my heart's true desire:

"Love others well, and don’t hide behind a mask; love authentically. Despise evil; pursue what is good as if your life depends on it. 10 Live in true devotion to one another, loving each other as sisters and brothers. Be first to honor others by putting them first. 11 Do not slack in your faithfulness and hard work. Let your spirit be on fire, bubbling up and boiling over, as you serve the Lord" (Romans 12:9-11, The Voice).

April Apperceptions: A Bullet Point History

April 16, 2016 - A Bullet-point Accounting of My Day

• Woke up...about 10 minutes before the alarm
• Took shower
• Got dressed
• Woke Josiah
• Put on make-up
• Fixed hair (minimally)
• Helped Josiah find pants to wear
• Got in the car (all three of us) and left the house
• Stopped at the church to pick up some things
• Went to Safeway
• Decided not to purchase anything at Safeway
• Drove across the street to Subway
• Bought sandwiches for Byron and Josiah and biscuits and gravy for me
• Drove down the parking lot to Urban Grange
• Byron and Josiah went inside to purchase drinks
• Drove to Corvallis to see Kalina; ate and drank on the way
• Visited with Kalina for about an hour
• Had Byron text Monica Robison about visiting Taryn in the hospital in Portland
• Arrived back home
• Checked text messages (my phone screen doesn't turn on without plugging in and waiting)
• Took a nap
• Woke up
• Texted Byron from our room
• Texted Monica
• Heard back from Monica (so did Byron)
• Woke Josiah, who was also napping
• Got in the car (all three of us again) to head to OHSU to see Taryn
• Arrived at OHSU and found parking
• Met Monica on the 9th floor
• Went outside to courtyard to see the family
• Watched Josiah, Evan, Monica, Lauryn, and Allison (one of the Robison kids' youth leaders) play a make-shift game of volleyball while Taryn had a respiratory treatment
• Went to visit Taryn; visited with Bob also
• Played a game of Crazy Eights with Taryn and Josiah
• Took a couple pictures
• Went back out to courtyard, this time with Taryn too
• Watched Alyssa (who had recently arrived), Monica, Evan, Lauryn, and Josiah play kickball with make-shift bases (like leafy twigs,a  piece of plastic)
• Talked with Monica a bit 
• Said our goodbyes; gave hugs; talked a few more minutes with Bob and Monica
• Got back in car; drove back home
• Arrived home
• Scrounged up dinner; ate dinner
• Puttered on computer while Byron (and by default, me) watched The Twilight Zone
• Called Josiah into the room to watch an intro that made us laugh
• Answered Josiah's question regarding plans for next weekend
• Observed Josiah writing a letter to his great grandma
• Puttered some more on the computer
• Decided to go to bed
• Said a bedtime prayer for Josiah 
• Asked Byron to come tuck me in
• Put on PJs, brushed teeth, etc.
• Cuddled with Byron for a few minutes
• Went to sleep

April Apperceptions: Pet Peeves (the Word "Pet" Implies That They can be Tamed)

We all have eventualities that really seem to bug us--the occurrences of these "pet peeves" can bring out the worst in us--or at least a bit of frustration. I'm going to share a few of mine...but I've also decided to share how I've learned to overcome a degree of the peeved-ness that they cause.

1) Grammar errors and misspellings--The common ones are the ones that bug me most, such as the  misuse of your and you're, the spelling of "congratulations" with a "d" in place of the "t," and the misspelling of "definitely" as defiantlly--or featuring some other random assortment of i's and a's.

How I've learned to overcome much of what bothers me in this department: Through a growing love for people. Loving people above their spelling and grammar abilities. I will, however, admit that my annoyance with word negligence heightens when the errors are present in a business/professional context. Still, I am able to overlook much by reminding myself of the great value of those I care about who may be making these types of errors. I usually can tell what they mean anyway, and I've decided that relationships are more important than grammar and spelling.

2) A messy, disorganized garage--I haven't yet been able to overcome this one, nor effectively alleviate its negative effects on my psyche.

Temporary solution (better than none at all): The only temporary fix I've found is the periodic (maybe once a year) cleaning/organizing of the garage.

3) When people cancel or "bum out" on commitments last-minute (or just don't show) and make seemingly lame excuses.

What I've learned to do: I've learned not to expect as much of people as I once did so that I don't end up being overly disappointed. I've also had to remind myself of times that I've been the culprit in a last-minute cancellation that I could have kept. We are all human, and sometimes it takes hindsight to realize that our actions affect others--and our word matters.

Everyone has pet peeves. The challenge is to not let them get in the way of good relationships. Sometimes healthy boundaries can aid in this process (in reference to number three). And sometimes we just need to extend grace. After all, I know I am responsible for fueling others' levels of irritation. Pet peeves are annoying, but in the grand scheme of things--we can usually learn to put things in perspective if we're willing.

April Apperceptions: Seven Years From Now

I always have hated those interview questions--'Where do you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years?' Five seems too short a time to really project a lot of changes...but ten seems too long. So, let's just split the difference and say seven years.

In seven years, I really have no idea where I'll be geographically...but there are some things I hope to have accomplished or be doing. This is how I see it:

• I will have published two books.
• I'll be a grandma, with maybe a couple darling grandkids.
• I'll be teaching somewhere part-time.
• I'll be speaking at various women's events and reading to groups of children at schools.
• I will no longer be heading up the clothing ministry at Life Essentials--and I'll have enough money that I won't be getting most of my clothes from there either.
• I'll be living in a different house, and I'll have a writing nook of some kind.
• I'll be part of a worship team.
• My marriage will be thriving in such a way that I'll be mentoring others.
• And I may even be pursuing another education-related degree.
• I'll be going out to dinner at least once a week. 
• I'll have a deck and a hot tub.
• And perhaps by the time my third book is published...I'll finally have my Hummer.

April Apperceptions: A.M. Excursion (AKA "The Morning Commute")

First of all, I don't really consider my drive to work in the morning a "commute." I feel fortunate to only be twenty-five minutes away from the school where I teach. And even when I wasn't teaching there--I was doing this commute. I've been driving back and forth to this school for the better part of sixteen years.

My morningtide musings consist of figuring out (split-second) whether or not I need to take the Hope Avenue "detour" so I don't end up stuck in the infamous Wallace Road back-up; devising strategies for my day at school; looking forward to events I have scheduled for after school; singing with the radio; praying;...and on the rare yet joyous occasion--drinking coffee.

The commute, though sometimes frustrating due to the amount of traffic and other drivers' unfortunate choices, goes by quickly--and so it is more of an "errand," one that always leads to some wonderful things while teaching amazing children alongside incomparable co-workers.

April Apperceptions: Funny Phrases Found on Fringe

There are some things that make me laugh. Sometimes it's the way someone says them; sometimes it's a matter of timing; sometimes it's just the mood I'm in.

But a couple phrases that always get me are:

"Abigail! Amelia!" (a movie line from The Aristocats) and "I'm aware I'm not wearing pants, Peter. I'm not an idiot" (Walter Bishop on Fringe).

There are many things that make me laugh--bad acting, the quips of my kindergarten students, clever commercials.

But as far as one-liners go, I'm pretty sure Dr. Walter Bishop takes the cake.

April Apperceptions: My Guy

I've known my husband, Byron, since I was seventeen years old. What seemed to be a chance encounter at a Hawaiian themed youth group party turned out to be destiny--and the journey continues.

One of the things I love most about Byron is how giving he is to his friends--he'd do anything to help those he loves. He keeps a pretty tight circle of what one would consider close, or intimate, friends. But he is committed to that circle.

In June of 1986, I became part of that circle. And on August 15, 1987 we sealed the deal with a kiss and some rings. I would say that like in all worthwhile relationships we have gone through alternate periods of frustration, closeness, distance, too much busy-ness, disagreement, like-heartedness, conflict, and communion.

No matter the hard times, I've always come back to the place of knowing that I married a good man--one who'd do anything for me. Even if it meant giving up something for himself.

The journey is far from over--and there's much to be learned--but at the end of the day I am comforted in the love I share with my guy. Like the song says, "I'm sticking to my guy, like a stamp to a letter. Like birds of a feather, we stick together. I can tell you from the start, I can't be torn apart from my guy."

April Apperceptions: Fruit Exclusions

I never met a fruit I didn't  like--but there are a couple I'm not particularly fond of.

Number one: I don't think it's the color--it's more the texture. It tends to be squishy--and the flavor just isn't dramatic enough for me to love it. It's okay in a fruit salad, but alone...it's just not one I'd choose to eat. I think the texture--and the accompanying moistness--reminds me a little of a slug. Therefore, kiwifruit is one of my two least favorite fruits.

Number two: There's a second undesirable fruit. It doesn't have that satisfying "chomping into the flesh" aspect that many fruits have. Instead, one bites these weird seeds--and that's supposed to be the amazing feature. I just don't get it. Eating this fruit is, for one, not particularly satisfying--because it's not super sweet. But furthermore, there's something about the slippery feeling of the seeds and their blood-like excretions that make me feel like a vampire when eating it. It's a rather macabre fruit in my opinion--the pomegranate.

April Apperceptions: Age is a Number...Or is It? - Thoughts on Ageism

I know couples who are married with twelve, fifteen-plus years between their ages. My late father-in-law and my husband's mom shared a twenty-year gap. Are marriages with a broad (even generational) age gap any less respectable than marriages between those who are close in age? I would say absolutely not.

But are there challenging issues that occur as a result of that gap? Often, yes. Sometimes the health of the older partner fails sooner, due to his/her more advanced years. Differences in perspective can also occur due to "generation gaps." But are these issues too great for love to overcome, or at least work through? I think not, as I've seen it with my own eyes.

What about in the workplace? What role does age play there? Can a younger person perform in a fast-paced work environment better than a much older counterpart? Sometimes yes...sometimes no. If a person possesses the wherewithal, motivation, expertise, etc. required for a particular position--I say that person should have just as much opportunity as the next person. But...

(You were expecting one, weren't you?) I favor a balanced workplace environment, made up of staff members of all ages--partly because it's what I'm used to. On our school staff, we have several people in their forties (myself included), one in her twenties, one in her thirties, one in her fifties (and one turning 50 this year), and a couple who are sixty or over. I appreciate the fresh, innovative perspectives and ideas of our younger staff members, but I equally value the wisdom and experience-based enlightenment of the more senior staff.

Being somewhere in the middle (though closer to the other end of the spectrum all the time), I feel I've gained a balanced perspective. I can look back on my younger years and be thankful for all I've learned since, while appreciating the ambition and idealism I possessed at that age. It certainly wasn't all bad; I still recall some wonderful units and lessons I devised, and maybe even a few inspirations of pure genius. Likewise, I continue to glean from the practical knowledge of those who've been "in the business" longer than I have. Both are valid. Both are needed.

Is there age discrimination in the workplace? Of course. But so is there sexism, and appearance-based hiring--even business decisions made on the basis of first impressions. But...don't some of us make decisions based on some of those very biases? Not that we mean to--I know I certainly have though. We are human. And that's an element we cannot remove from the equation--ever.

Ageism exists. But what should not exist in our society is dishonor of people due to the number of years they've been on the planet. Unfortunately, it does. I don't think ageism always amounts to dishonoring behavior--sometimes it's just a quiet assumption or judgment. But when it's overt, it can be truly hurtful. Everyone deserves dignity, no matter their age.

There does seem to be a pervasive philosophy in our American culture that "old people" have outlived their usefulness; they no longer have anything to contribute; they should basically be ignored. Where would our society be without the contributions of some of these very people? Many have started companies (that we still benefit from today), raised politicians or pastors or doctors, entertained us. Or they've been the politicians, pastors, doctors themselves.

Reaching a mature age shouldn't negate one's previous achievements--or shining moments. What if we were to treat toddlers as we often do the elderly. I mean, they're not cute little cooing babies anymore. What if we ignored them, simply because they're getting older? Ridiculous, right? Yet, that is often what happens.

My mother always said, "You're only as old as you feel," and I think there's a great deal of validity in her perspective. If people have the drive and the desire to go and do the things they enjoy or are good at, who cares how old they are?

Timothy put it in proper perspective in I Timothy 5:1 - "Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers,..." Psalm 71:9 admonishes, "Do not cast me off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent."Titus, chapter two, emphasizes the role of older women in teaching younger women--particularly in terms of loving their husbands and children in a godly manner. 

There comes a point where for each of us the mind may fade and the body grow weak--things we once did, we can no longer do. But the value of a person does not diminish because of what he or she is capable or not capable of. In terms of work, age will always be a factor to some degree--whether we like it or not. But it should never be a license to dismiss or "cast off" a person once his or her work is done. Allow those who are aged the chance to work hard, take pride in their history, and retire well. For this is also how legacy is born.

April Apperceptions: Don't Judge a Book...

Everyone knows the famous adage, "Don't judge a book by its cover." Boy, isn't that the truth?! In my undergraduate program, I had a Sociology class, for which we were assigned a book about Chinese immigration and the immigrants' contributions to the building of the Transcontinental Railroad in the 1860's. I could learn about Chinese culture, while at the same time learning an important piece of American history...or so I thought. As it turned out, it was full of sexual vulgarity and basically painted the immigrants as sexually obsessed deviants. Sexual terminology was even used to metaphorically describe the opportunities and choices facing the immigrants. The line that threw me over the edge (I'll never forget it) was..."The world's vagina was large..." What in the world?! I felt like I was learning very little (if anything) about sociological topics.

I was about half-way through this "required reading" when I took it to one of the elders at my church, a man whose wisdom I trusted immensely. He said, "Yeah, you shouldn't have to read this." And of course, his next comment was, "Why'd you read so much of it?" I explained that I kept hoping it was going to get better.

So...I went to my instructor the next day and explained how I was offended by this book and wanted to request an alternative. He said I could, but if I did he was doubling the writing requirement. I figured that wouldn't be a big problem for me--so I took him up on it. That was an eye-opener for sure.

Fortunately, there are also those books you come across in life that make a permanent, favorable impression. If I had to pick just one, I think I'd highlight Beverly Lewis's The Shunning, described on Google in these words: "The bestselling story of Katie Lapp, who longs for things forbidden to a young Amish woman. But an unexpected discovery reveals her true past." 

I found this book--and the others in its series--eye-opening (as much was based on actual research), captivating, compelling...and it tugged hard on my heart-strings. One might think that a story about Amish life would be boring or a bit "stiff." But not this story! There was an unexpected degree of mystery, an ample array of secrets, and a fresh look at the human condition combined with dreams/desires--which made this book one of the most satisfying I've ever read.

My recommendation--if you're concerned at all about the content, style, or pace of a book--open up to the middle and read a couple pages. However, while things can go terribly wrong with a supposedly Chinese sociological spin, you can never go wrong with a Beverly Lewis novel.

April Apperceptions: Thinking of Inking...Someday

Today's writing challenge called for me to reveal what tattoos I have and whether they have special meaning.

Well...sorry to disappoint--but I don't have any. That's not to say that I don't ever want any though. I have a scar from a freak freezer accident; it was a dead chest freezer that was full of food--we had loaded it onto a trailer, and when one end of the trailer got weighed down by the freezer, the other end bounced up (much like a teeter-totter) and scraped all the way up my calf, causing instant bleeding and a permanent scar. I'd like to cover it at some point with a vine-type tattoo with all sorts of flowers blooming from it as sort of a symbol of life. I would choose some flowers with meanings that represent things I want in my life. God makes beauty from ashes--he turns our scars into reminders of His faithfulness and goodness.

I've thought of a few possibilities:

The other tattoo I would someday like to get would be a pictorial representation of a special name the Lord gave to me in 2007--Brave Intimacy. He showed me a picture of me on the bow of a ship, speeding across the water--with Jesus's arms wrapped around me. I was safe in His care. And that is definitely something I always want to remember.

So...no tattoos yet, but it definitely could happen. I have no problem with tattoos and have seen many I can appreciate. In the Old Testament, people put up stones as reminders of God's deliverance and power. I've seen much the same thing accomplished through tattoos. If I were to get tattooed, the images would have to hold significant meaning for me.

April Apperceptions: My Fascinating Boy

When one thinks of a person who could be categorized as "fascinating," one might think of a skilled actor in Hollywood, a famous music performer, or a respected scientific mind. I think of my son Josiah. Though often quiet, he tends to have a lot to say if one finds the right topic at the right time.

Josiah possesses an amazing mind. He is a deep thinker. His mind is never idle. And he's constantly coming up with creative ideas--which he has a remarkable ability to execute. And he excels in both math and language arts. Josiah's mind is multi-layered and impossible to define in short, concise descriptions.

Josiah is strong and athletic. Though his hallmark used to be speed, it is now strength--and he's diligently working at improving in all of his track and field throwing events.

I've watched Josiah, over the years, learn how to take the thorns along with the roses in relationships with friends/schoolmates. He is passionate, so he can get pretty frustrated at times--but he is equally as loyal and caring. His compassion always gets the best of him--a quality I'm happy he got a large dose of.

How can so much creativity,  athletic skill, and intricacy of thought exist in one young person? I don't know--but God does. Sometimes being around Josiah is like exploring a new land. You may think you've seen it all, but then you make a new discovery. I understand a lot of what goes on in Josiah's head, but on a regular basis I become aware of facets that relate to others, that relate to others, that relate to still others.

Josiah is serious yet hilarious--and though he may look for easy solutions, he really doesn't like them. This boy likes a good challenge

I'm sure my level of fascination will grow over the years, no matter how old Josiah gets. My fascination is really appreciation--of who God is and all he has to offer the world and the people in it. He certainly has blessed my life. I'd never trade him for a simplified version--I like the one I've got.

April Apperceptions: Oh, to Go to England

I used to think Australia was my dream place to visit, but recently I've been thinking that there's someplace else I'd rather see and experience. And maybe even live for a spell. Why? As song poet Roger Miller once wrote:

"England swings like a pendulum do
Bobbies on bicycles, two by two
Westminster Abbey, the tower of Big Ben
The rosy-red cheeks of the little children"

Yes, there are fun things to see in the United States too--but there's something whimsically appealing about walking along the charming English countryside, roaming through rustic cottages--and stopping for a spot of tea.  And stepping on the cobblestones where some of the world's most skilled and renowned writers trod--Shakespeare, Dickens, Tolkien, Keats, Doyle, Austen, Browning (to name a few).

There are castles to capture, rivers to ramble, museums to mill around in. Not to mention parades, Parliament, and pedagogical history unlike any other. I could see Cambridge and Oxford first-hand.

England, like Oregon, is largely green. I think that if I were a resident for a time, it would remind me of home--and the accents would just be a bonus.